Tattoos and Burritos...

So heres the deal.... When someone asks to look at or compliments your tattoos, Its not because they like yours, Its because they want to show you theirs! I guarantee this!! This issue is what leads us into our story....

Mikey and I decide to stop in the ol' Town and Country last night on the way home to get some burritos. (because we all know those are the best burritos on the planet!) Anyway, this is just another "Normal" stop in T&C for us, I juggle some lemons, Mikey puts some bananas on his head....you know, the normal things that you do.... Well, we order our burritos (and a Chimi!) and we go to the register to pay...

Well, the guy ringing us up gives us the total and I start to pay him and he says, Hey man, Nice work on your arm there......Now, I already know where he's going with this. So I say thanks and just stare at him without saying another word. Sure enough he says......Yeah....Mine aren't that nice... Now, since I already know the routine and Im kinda annoyed about it.. I say, oh, do you have some prison ink?? Well, he lifts up his sleeve and I see THE WORST tattoo ever!!! Hes got like an oddly shaped Dice (or die I guess it would be..) with FTW under or behind it.... I don't know, I couldn't tell.Oh, but it doesn't stop there, I say, "Wow, Looks like you tried to get a little cover up there" Cause to ME it looked like he tried to cover the FTW with the die... But Mikey just plainly states, "Looks like a die with FTW in it!" To which the clerk replies, "YEAH! IT IS!" then he proceeds to tell us he got it done in the back of a truck going 90mph by a friend with a guitar string while he was stoned..... So of course I'm HELLA impressed and I wanna be this guys best friend because hes SO COOL!!! no......

So then he decides to show me the rest of his tattoos.... and for the life of me, I cant figure out why every loser stoner with a crappy job who looks 30 years older then they are ALWAYS has a TAZ tattoo.....and low and behold...tattoo number 2......TAZ. I think to myself....Typical. This is his best tattoo by far. Now if i had this thing on my arm, i would have shot the fool that lied about being good at tattoos... But Clerk Boy here seemed to like it. Then he told me this one was done at home by his brother with a guitar sting... Now does this dude REALLY think Im Impressed?? So i say, "dang dude, you need to get some REAL art or somthin!!!" He Just smiles and points to his knuckles (which is already a pretty trashy place to get tattoos, Unless you're Ozzy or play in Rancid) So his Knuckles say something like "LONG" Or whatever. And they look.......rough to say the least. I kinda cringe when i see it. And then he says, "Yeah, this one was done with a hypodermic needle and some ink!" Im Like woah!!! Hey "AIDS" don't touch My burrito!!! Dang!! This fool has gotta be contagious!!! Im gonna say this is the most UNCLEAN dude I have ever met, and he was totally stoked about that!!!! All I know is that HIV boy is NOT allowed to serve me food EVER!!!

So, in conclusion.....don't ask me to see my tattoos unless you really wanna see em......Cause I really dont care about yours!!

LATE
Kelly K

Mic Check???

I'm a fairly competent, semi-professional musician. I've been playing guitar for years, and know what things are supposed to sound like when playing live with a band. My band played some pretty decent shows and we had a decent following...

So..... why do I inevitably get the moron on the mixing board who went to the local audio/visual college who's tonedeaf, squints a lot, and has a soul patch? And from what I can tell, quite a few musicians are having the same troubles.

Admittedly, these people work pretty hard and spend a lot of money to get the "degree" that they have. But I think I know why they are all as useful musically as Helen Keller....... and not like Beethoven.

Number One. Not everyone is competent or has an ear for music. Attending a 14 month college to become a sound technician doesn't mean that you're ready to help produce The Alkaline Trio's new album. Just because you know what button to press and what level things are technically supposed to be at doesn't mean that you know what level my guitar is supposed to be in relation to the rest of the instruments during our third song. I'm supposed to tell you that! You're supposed to listen to me!

Why would you cut the level of my guitar at the chorus? Are you nuts?

Numero Dos. These "colleges" compress a roughly 3 year degree program into about 14 months. They have STRANGE hours for their classes and labs. They basically shove these people against the wall, force feeding crap into their brains so that they literally crap information about the newest Mackie 24 channel mixers out of their mouths! When these people get out, they are excited and come to the gig feeling like they know EXACTLY what they are doing, even though the only live performance they've done is their final at the college. If I hear one more of them talking about how now they want to set up a studio in their apartment, I may have to start carrying a gun to put them out of their misery.......

Number Three. They secretly hate the fact that I'm on stage and they are not. I know, I know.... Your parents bought you a guitar for Christmas five years ago, and you SWORE to yourself that you would get a band together and be the next... I don't know... The Edge from U2. (They're popular again, right, iPod lovers?) It's not your fault that you just don't have the drive or the ability to get people to listen to your latest rendition of "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" from Drowning Pool. But why must you punish me? Why, my little tech, why?

And finally, I realize that there's nothing I can do. These guys come cheap. The bar and club owners want to make money, and they could probably give these people a few beers and a churro and they might even forget they were supposed to get paid for this job. And the owners don't trust the bands to run the sound equipment, so I can't even correct it myself.....sigh.....

Maybe I should write a song about it and play it at our next show... while eating a churro.....

LATE!
Kelly K

Did you know that Douchetones doesn't set off my spell checker?

State Of The Music Industry

Ok....First of all Why is the music business ALA record labels having problems. Most say it is Stealing Downloads which is def. a big part of the equation. If you Steal music you should be shot and hung. Not only is it costing record companies money but it has also cost artist tons of money because record company money flows to artist. No Rec company money, no artist money. ya dig? Not to mention that the Big 12 of Labels has dwindled to the big 3 soon to be big 2. What does that do you ask? That means about 4 people are gonna decide which bands will get signed and promoted which will in turn limit our choices on music and exposure to bands worldwide. But that is just the beginning

The biggest problem with the music (record) industry is the fact that you have these so called A&R guys (that is the people that find talent) that are to busy trying to be cool and signing stupid bands that no one outside of LA or NY or the UK give a rats butt about. We manage Nickelback, maybe not the hippest band on the block but they have sold 20 million records and sell out arena's. Will the Arctic Monkeys do that? Uh don't think so. See these LA and NY guys forget that there are 48 other states in this Good ole US of A that buys music. The industry calls it the Fly over zone. When they find bands that tap into that market then that band usually sells records, lots of them. Maybe one day these people will get that before it is to late.

LATER,

Kelly K

Dear, Car In Front of me...

Go, man. Just go. Forward. Move forward. Don't be scared. You can do it. People do it all the time. There's people doing it all over the city, even now as we sit here. Am I part of some anti-forward protest and I don't know it? Are you sleeping? Are you checking your email? I could have disassembled my car, climbed over yours dragging the parts in my mouth one-by-one, and reassembled it in front of you faster than this. We've been here so long I forgot where I was going. Maybe you are confused about the pedal system on your floorboard. Take a look at this diagram:

Seems like maybe you hate progress. Don't live in the past bro! Take the next step and pull out of this driveway oasis. Don't be afraid of change. If there weren't so many people behind me, I would back out, turn around, and drive the opposite direction around the planet!

Does sitting in a motionless car burn calories? Are you trying to say I'm fat? Are you waiting for everyone to get to their destination and then pull forward? That is incredibly polite, but you are chasing an impossible dream my man!! There will always be cars. You have to select a space in-between them and introduce your giant SUV into the flow of traffic!

Maybe you could hum the theme from Karate Kid for inspiration. Sometimes you have to sweep the leg. Please go. I tried to move your car through telekinesis, but I think I might have popped a blood vessel in my eye. You know, eventually the rubber in your tires will disintegrate. Then where will you be? I know where you'll be..... RIGHT FREAKING HERE!

When the monkeys take over, I hope they kill you first.


LATE
Kelly K