Ive been going through my emails the last hour and I came across some emails that I remember getting about a year ago while I was on tour... They were probably the best emails Ive ever recieved... They were sent to the entire staff at UEG and RoadRunner Records... But i would LOVE to share it with all of you... Keep in mind... I HATE the song myself, but I had to back it up... You know, Work and all........
Dear Sirs and Madams:
I've been unfortunate enough to have been assaulted by the song "Rockstar" by your esteemed client, Nickelback, several fucking thousand times this month. Thank you. The song itself is the musical equivalent of an abortion, only without the sedatives. I Googled the lyrics in a desperate attempt to locate some sense of self-awareness or irony in the puerile and meandering verse, and discovered that in the songwriter's juvenile imagination, one is qualified to receive, among other various perks, free quesadillas, once one is a "rockstar." One wants to point out that one need not be famous in order to procure inexpensive quesadillas, as the ingredients are as follows: 1) cheese. and 2) tortillas.
Bear in mind that I reached adolescence in the mid nineties, and thus, was bombarded by lyrical and instrumental stupidity on an almost daily basis. Bryan Adams, kenny G, AND King Missile, however, in a drunken and heroin fueled dream sequence-y collaboration, could not have produced music as ill-conceived, uninspired, and ultimately infuriating as "Rockstar" as "performed" by Nickelback.
This song is worse than the Macarena, the Meow Mix jingle, and every song in the Top Gun soundtrack. It is less imaginative, more repetitive, and yet, more pervasive, than any craptacular "hit" that's stunk up the airwaves since, I don't know, 1983.
May god help you, you merciless bastards, for propagating this horrible music and for exposing it to the countless throngs of idiots who will mimic it and produce similar songs which will similarly annoy me in the years to come.
Yours truly,
Jenny M. Russell
MY REPLY...
Jenny jenny I got youre number 8675309.....
Thanks for the support!
Would you like an autographed 8x10?
Sent from Kelly K's iPhone...word!
Next email...
To Whom It May Concern:
I heard the song Rockstar by Nickleback(sp?) three times today alone. I must have heard it at least half a dozen times this week alone. At this point I don't think I can enter a public establishment anywhere in my local area without being assaulted by that horrific fucking song. The lyrics to that song are so blatantly stupid that I think it may be a joke. The melody is so repetitive that it gets stuck in my head for hours at a time. As we speak I'm hearing the lead singers croaky lyrics in a partially complete verse repeating in my head over and over again. I fear I will wake up in the morning from a restless sleep, stumble into the shower and start washing my hair only to realize the retarded lyrics "Hang out w/ the coolest stars!" are still echoing in my brain. This shit music your company supports is directly responsible for Americans like Teen Miss South Carolina and George W. Bush. Fuck you and your entire record company.
Sincerely,
MY REPLY
Hahahahahaha!!! 7 million coppies sold, 25 million world wide! Thanks for the support!
Sent from Kelly K's iPhone...word!
HIS REPLY....
I didn't buy one. You're welcome though.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Obama Hillary Part 2
First I wanna say thank you to all 1200 of you who read my last blog... HOWEVER... I believe most of you took it WAY out of context. And I only wish half of you who read yesterdays read this... but i doubt you will.....
First let me say.... 99.9% of my blogs are COMEDY....a SATIRE if you will... and thats EXACTLY what this was... I was taking something that is on everyones mind and making a joke out of it... I was never meaning to try and sway anyones opinion, i was never trying to say vote for this person or that person... I was just being funny....
Now, all the comments and debate about it i found very amusing... Until some of you started calling me racist and shallow. And even saying I dont respect women.... And to you people I say "READ THE DAMN BLOG AGAIN!!"
I was simply stating that if you want a women president SIMPLY FOR THE FACT SHES A WOMAN, not for any other reason, then who cares who it is!!! If you just want a female because shes a female I think thats ignorant!!!! Same thing about Obama!!! I NEVER made a joke or said anything harsh about him being black... I, again, said IF YOU JUST WANT TO VOTE FOR A BLACK MAN CAUSE HES BLACK....WHO CARES WHO IT IS!!! Again if thats why youre voting for him..... YOURE STUPID!!!
Yes, I said redneck KKK bastards might try and kill him... Well.....??? Im probably right!!! I didnt say it was good!! or that it was funny!!! I was just stating that it could probably happen!!!
But for you guys to come at me with accusations of RACE, and SHALLOWNESS.... How does that make you look... It makes you look as dumb and ignorant as the people youre complaining about.
If you guys want to debate politics on my blog... I think thats awesome... I think its great that it was a conversation starter.... But thats all it is!! You all need to know that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINIONS!!! But thats just what they are... Argue all you want, but dont try and change anyones mind... Its ok if someone wants to believe different from you... Thats life. Dont get me wrong... I like to bitch and argue probably more than any of you... But I will never try and sway you.
I give Kyle mad props... Because he came in with a TOTAL different view than most of us and stated his opinions and took the ridicule he got in return with a grain of salt. I know Kyle very well and I know for a fact he wasnt offended by anything anyone said to him!! He didnt lose a bit of sleep over it... and thats how t should be... it should be all in fun.
So... In conclusion.... IT WAS A JOKE... It was written to try and make you all laugh... A few of you I believe understood this... But for those of you who didnt.. Try not to be so easily offended. Try not to take everything as a personal attack.
ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!
I hope you all keep reading my stupid ass blogs!!
LATE,
Kelly K
First let me say.... 99.9% of my blogs are COMEDY....a SATIRE if you will... and thats EXACTLY what this was... I was taking something that is on everyones mind and making a joke out of it... I was never meaning to try and sway anyones opinion, i was never trying to say vote for this person or that person... I was just being funny....
Now, all the comments and debate about it i found very amusing... Until some of you started calling me racist and shallow. And even saying I dont respect women.... And to you people I say "READ THE DAMN BLOG AGAIN!!"
I was simply stating that if you want a women president SIMPLY FOR THE FACT SHES A WOMAN, not for any other reason, then who cares who it is!!! If you just want a female because shes a female I think thats ignorant!!!! Same thing about Obama!!! I NEVER made a joke or said anything harsh about him being black... I, again, said IF YOU JUST WANT TO VOTE FOR A BLACK MAN CAUSE HES BLACK....WHO CARES WHO IT IS!!! Again if thats why youre voting for him..... YOURE STUPID!!!
Yes, I said redneck KKK bastards might try and kill him... Well.....??? Im probably right!!! I didnt say it was good!! or that it was funny!!! I was just stating that it could probably happen!!!
But for you guys to come at me with accusations of RACE, and SHALLOWNESS.... How does that make you look... It makes you look as dumb and ignorant as the people youre complaining about.
If you guys want to debate politics on my blog... I think thats awesome... I think its great that it was a conversation starter.... But thats all it is!! You all need to know that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINIONS!!! But thats just what they are... Argue all you want, but dont try and change anyones mind... Its ok if someone wants to believe different from you... Thats life. Dont get me wrong... I like to bitch and argue probably more than any of you... But I will never try and sway you.
I give Kyle mad props... Because he came in with a TOTAL different view than most of us and stated his opinions and took the ridicule he got in return with a grain of salt. I know Kyle very well and I know for a fact he wasnt offended by anything anyone said to him!! He didnt lose a bit of sleep over it... and thats how t should be... it should be all in fun.
So... In conclusion.... IT WAS A JOKE... It was written to try and make you all laugh... A few of you I believe understood this... But for those of you who didnt.. Try not to be so easily offended. Try not to take everything as a personal attack.
ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!
I hope you all keep reading my stupid ass blogs!!
LATE,
Kelly K
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Obama and Hillary......Sigh......
Why would you vote for Obama OR Hillary??? Seriously.... I mean come on... even if you ARE a democrat... LOOK AT YOUR OPTIONS!!! Id rather have Hitler run our country than either of those "WINNERS"!!!
Not that I think we have an amazing leader now... But good lordt!! OBAMA!!! HILLARY!!!! What is this world coming too..... Now I know Hucabee and McCain aren't all that bad ass either.... But at least they aren't possible terrorists and dont have vagina's...... (ohhh....sick burn.....)
I normally dont get involved in these things..... But this time... I think I actually DO care... I mean, if we have a woman run our country, how much respect do you think were gonna get from other countries that have NO respect for women?? And as for Obama.... dude....do you want your life at risk?? We have like millions of dumb ass, redneck, KKK, hood wearin, cross burnin, bastards just WAITING to have the chance the get their name in the books as the one who took you down!!! Not mention the fact that Obama HIMSELF may try and destroy our country....
If youre just voting for a woman because you want A woman to be president....will just ANY woman do??? If so lets at least get someone whos HOT!!! Lets get one that doesnt just forgive her husband after he cheats on her MANY times...Someone who actually has a little bit of self respect and will stick up for HERSELF... How will she treat an attack on us?? Oh, its cool...just dont let it happen again..... Yeah, thats what we need... If were gonna throw our country in the trash lets at least make it look good in doing so....any strippers wanna run??
And if you want a black man as president... if thats the ONLY reason you want Obama... Lets get a black guy with some fuckin STYLE!!! Lets get Sam L Jackson in the office!!!
He wont take any shit off ANYONE!! in fact, I believe his wallet says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it....
Oh not him?? What about Michael Clarke Duncan.....You know.... the guy from the Green Mile...
He can just suck all the bad outta the world and just let it go..... Can Obama do that?? I didnt think so... PLUS, I doubt Tom Hanks would EVER be friends with Obama...Im just sayin....
NOTE: Im not against ANY woman being president..... Just ones that aren't dudes...
I mean, come on....is it just me or do you feel it too.......
LATE!
Kelly K
Not that I think we have an amazing leader now... But good lordt!! OBAMA!!! HILLARY!!!! What is this world coming too..... Now I know Hucabee and McCain aren't all that bad ass either.... But at least they aren't possible terrorists and dont have vagina's...... (ohhh....sick burn.....)
I normally dont get involved in these things..... But this time... I think I actually DO care... I mean, if we have a woman run our country, how much respect do you think were gonna get from other countries that have NO respect for women?? And as for Obama.... dude....do you want your life at risk?? We have like millions of dumb ass, redneck, KKK, hood wearin, cross burnin, bastards just WAITING to have the chance the get their name in the books as the one who took you down!!! Not mention the fact that Obama HIMSELF may try and destroy our country....
If youre just voting for a woman because you want A woman to be president....will just ANY woman do??? If so lets at least get someone whos HOT!!! Lets get one that doesnt just forgive her husband after he cheats on her MANY times...Someone who actually has a little bit of self respect and will stick up for HERSELF... How will she treat an attack on us?? Oh, its cool...just dont let it happen again..... Yeah, thats what we need... If were gonna throw our country in the trash lets at least make it look good in doing so....any strippers wanna run??
And if you want a black man as president... if thats the ONLY reason you want Obama... Lets get a black guy with some fuckin STYLE!!! Lets get Sam L Jackson in the office!!!
He wont take any shit off ANYONE!! in fact, I believe his wallet says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it....
Oh not him?? What about Michael Clarke Duncan.....You know.... the guy from the Green Mile...
He can just suck all the bad outta the world and just let it go..... Can Obama do that?? I didnt think so... PLUS, I doubt Tom Hanks would EVER be friends with Obama...Im just sayin....
NOTE: Im not against ANY woman being president..... Just ones that aren't dudes...
I mean, come on....is it just me or do you feel it too.......
LATE!
Kelly K
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
A Kelly K Update.....
Ok... so as most of you know... Right now Im on tour with RED as their Tour Manager... Ive been out since the beginning of September I guess. And its been pretty awesome! Right now were out opening for Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether.... (By the way, go buy the new Seether album, NOW! "No Jesus Christ" is one of the best songs Ive heard in years!) Anyway, this tour is amazing! I mean, none of these bands are really the style of music I dig, but man they all put on an amazing show!!
Oh, and yeah, Halloween is tomorrow.... and the WHOLE tour is dressing up... And I was raised to not really celebrate Halloween, I mean, i got to dress up as Bible characters when I was a kid and go to church functions, but never like trick or treating or anything. And that was always cool with me. That being said, this isn't really a big holiday for me. But it is to everyone else out here!!! SOOOOoooo we had to go buy costumes today. Now, Ben From Breaking Ben, bought a $1000 Superman outfit that is so freaking bad ass, no one can compete with it. So we decided to go the more funny route. So, RED and I went to get ours today and it goes like this... Jason is gonna be Janga Fett from starwars. but not the adult size costume, the children's size. He tried it on today in the store and that thing is so tight its ridiculous!!! The twins went with the children's Red and Black spider man costumes... a twin thing I guess..... Mike went a little different route and just bought a bad ass costume. Hes going as V for Vendetta. Hayden bought a children's Court Jester outfit to wear during the day and the Hell raiser mask to play in that night....... Me on the other hand.... When we went in to get the costumes, i was thinkin I would just wear a mask or somthin, but those guys thought I would be better in something else..... SO, they pick out a costume for me and I try it on.... The ensure i will be the "Hit" of the day... But i just dont see it. In fact, i cant see any way in hell i would EVER wear this costume!!! But they insist and keep pushing until I finally said ok and bought the damn thing...... what is it you ask???
Well, as embarrassed as I am, Ill tell you. I'm going as a Playboy Bunny Cocktail Waitress. Yeah.... I know. All i'm wearing is VERY thin VERY short black dress with Bunny tail, White collar with black bow tie, and Black Bunny ears. Oh yeah, and fishnet stockings.... And NO i wont post any pictures!!! sorry! You'll just have to use your imagination.... and Im pretty sure that will be just as bad..... LAME
Other than that, The tour is going well, I'm having a great time, But I am defiantly ready to come home and spend some time with my friends and family. Ill be flying into Midland on Nov 19th and then Mikey and I will be going to Oklahoma for a little while. THEN, and Im so stoked about this, Jesse Ricky and I will be driving to Philly to record the DieselHorse record!! It should be pretty bad ass! So, I hope you all find me while I'm around so that good times can be had!!!
So, theres a little update for you.... Miss you all, leave love!
LATE!
Kelly K
Oh, and yeah, Halloween is tomorrow.... and the WHOLE tour is dressing up... And I was raised to not really celebrate Halloween, I mean, i got to dress up as Bible characters when I was a kid and go to church functions, but never like trick or treating or anything. And that was always cool with me. That being said, this isn't really a big holiday for me. But it is to everyone else out here!!! SOOOOoooo we had to go buy costumes today. Now, Ben From Breaking Ben, bought a $1000 Superman outfit that is so freaking bad ass, no one can compete with it. So we decided to go the more funny route. So, RED and I went to get ours today and it goes like this... Jason is gonna be Janga Fett from starwars. but not the adult size costume, the children's size. He tried it on today in the store and that thing is so tight its ridiculous!!! The twins went with the children's Red and Black spider man costumes... a twin thing I guess..... Mike went a little different route and just bought a bad ass costume. Hes going as V for Vendetta. Hayden bought a children's Court Jester outfit to wear during the day and the Hell raiser mask to play in that night....... Me on the other hand.... When we went in to get the costumes, i was thinkin I would just wear a mask or somthin, but those guys thought I would be better in something else..... SO, they pick out a costume for me and I try it on.... The ensure i will be the "Hit" of the day... But i just dont see it. In fact, i cant see any way in hell i would EVER wear this costume!!! But they insist and keep pushing until I finally said ok and bought the damn thing...... what is it you ask???
Well, as embarrassed as I am, Ill tell you. I'm going as a Playboy Bunny Cocktail Waitress. Yeah.... I know. All i'm wearing is VERY thin VERY short black dress with Bunny tail, White collar with black bow tie, and Black Bunny ears. Oh yeah, and fishnet stockings.... And NO i wont post any pictures!!! sorry! You'll just have to use your imagination.... and Im pretty sure that will be just as bad..... LAME
Other than that, The tour is going well, I'm having a great time, But I am defiantly ready to come home and spend some time with my friends and family. Ill be flying into Midland on Nov 19th and then Mikey and I will be going to Oklahoma for a little while. THEN, and Im so stoked about this, Jesse Ricky and I will be driving to Philly to record the DieselHorse record!! It should be pretty bad ass! So, I hope you all find me while I'm around so that good times can be had!!!
So, theres a little update for you.... Miss you all, leave love!
LATE!
Kelly K
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
No more numbers... Just an update
Ok, So even though im pretty sure Ive lost most of my readers on these blogs…
Today we have the day off in
So lets see here, since I last wrote, I think Ive been to
Blah, check this out. I got a cymbal from one of the bands on my stage about a week ago and Ive been having all the bands on my stage sign it for me…. Well, I had it almost finished and then 2 days ago, at the end of the night, im finishing packing my truck, and I realize its gone!!! Some lame joker stole my cymbal!!! Oh I was so pissed!!!! Well, then last night im finishing my truck and I see some girl sitting over by the fence. Nothing unusual, but then my truck driver says, man, that’s a lucky girl… I was like how come??? He said, one of the band guys gave her this cymbal that was all signed by the bands on this stage…. I was like really????????? So I went over to her and asked if I could see it…. Yep, it was mine. But she was so happy to have it that I couldn’t take it back. So I told her the story behind it and then I showed here whos signatures were what… It made her night that she got that. And Im glad. Cause now I gotta try and find another one and go through all that again to get a new one!! Ha! At least someone is happy…..
What else is new…. Um… I got a new piercing! That was fun!! I hadn’t been pierced in over 4 years! I got to chill with Matt Skiba again last night! Loved that! I had him call my boy Kyle who is a HUGE fan too, so that was really cool that I could do that. I had him record a voice mail thing for me but my stupid iPhone wouldn’t save it!!!! So now I have to ask him to do it again…. Lame…..
Well, I think I shall go take a shower and try to find a movie to go see…. Leave me some love! I miss you all!!!
AND GO CHECK OUT JEALOUSY CURVE!!!
You can hear the entire new album here… http://www.purevolume.com/jealousycurve
LATE!
Kelly K
Monday, July 30, 2007
Kelly and Matt Skiba... Please read this one!! (I want to show it off)
I just wanted you all to know how happy I am!! I dont even know where to start...
Ive been made fun of this whole tour because of how big of a Alkaline Trio fan I am... Well, they came on the tour yesterday, and I told everyone I would do whatever it took to get them on my stage.... well.... They got put on the OTHER main stage.... So I was pretty bummed...almost to tears, no joke. So they play their first show in Chicago, their home toen, and I get to see about 4 of the songs. Then I had to get back to work. But i was excited i got to see them. Then today, both main stages were side by side... I see Matt Skiba checking his guitar... I wanted to go talk to him so freakin bad but i didnt want to seem like some big uber fan boy....Well, he puts his Guitar down and walks towards my stage, so I just decide to walk up to Him and I say hey Im Kelly, He says hey man, Im Mat.... Oh wait, youre Kelly Kopp?? I was like yeah! He said, Ive heard all about you, i was on my way over to find you!!! HA HA!! My frakin hero, lookin for me!! i was so stoked!! that right there made my day!! i was so stoked, it was way brief but i was happy....
Well, then tonight when i get off work, I go to some local bar with some friends of mine from tour. We have a couple of drinks and Im feelin kinda buzzed so i decide to walk back to the bus. On my way out of the bar, I notice Firpo (a guy on my bus) Sitting at the bar.... (Firpo gives me the most crap about being a trio fan cause hes pretty much Best friends with Matt skiba) Well, I walk up to him to say goodnight, not noticing, hes sitting with Matt and Heather (The Trios Merch girl) Well, all of a sudden i realize who im standing next to... I just play cool like im about to leave and Matts like... Hey Kelly, were going to our bus you wanna come have a glass of absinth with us???? Im like... Dude, I would LOVE to!!! So me, Matt, Firpo, and Heather all walk back to the Trios bus... Matt makes us all glasses of Absinth and we all just sit around and talk for 2 hours!!! I was in freaking heaven!!! Then when we had to leave (15min ago) Matt Invited me to go to the Interpol Show with him tomorrow!! he Said that I could come chill with him anytime while theyre on tour!!!
So anyway... I basicly had the best day of my life!!! im so stoked right now you have no idea!!! Anyway, thought Id share!! Weather you leave love or not.... Im so stoked!!
LATE!
Kelly K
Ive been made fun of this whole tour because of how big of a Alkaline Trio fan I am... Well, they came on the tour yesterday, and I told everyone I would do whatever it took to get them on my stage.... well.... They got put on the OTHER main stage.... So I was pretty bummed...almost to tears, no joke. So they play their first show in Chicago, their home toen, and I get to see about 4 of the songs. Then I had to get back to work. But i was excited i got to see them. Then today, both main stages were side by side... I see Matt Skiba checking his guitar... I wanted to go talk to him so freakin bad but i didnt want to seem like some big uber fan boy....Well, he puts his Guitar down and walks towards my stage, so I just decide to walk up to Him and I say hey Im Kelly, He says hey man, Im Mat.... Oh wait, youre Kelly Kopp?? I was like yeah! He said, Ive heard all about you, i was on my way over to find you!!! HA HA!! My frakin hero, lookin for me!! i was so stoked!! that right there made my day!! i was so stoked, it was way brief but i was happy....
Well, then tonight when i get off work, I go to some local bar with some friends of mine from tour. We have a couple of drinks and Im feelin kinda buzzed so i decide to walk back to the bus. On my way out of the bar, I notice Firpo (a guy on my bus) Sitting at the bar.... (Firpo gives me the most crap about being a trio fan cause hes pretty much Best friends with Matt skiba) Well, I walk up to him to say goodnight, not noticing, hes sitting with Matt and Heather (The Trios Merch girl) Well, all of a sudden i realize who im standing next to... I just play cool like im about to leave and Matts like... Hey Kelly, were going to our bus you wanna come have a glass of absinth with us???? Im like... Dude, I would LOVE to!!! So me, Matt, Firpo, and Heather all walk back to the Trios bus... Matt makes us all glasses of Absinth and we all just sit around and talk for 2 hours!!! I was in freaking heaven!!! Then when we had to leave (15min ago) Matt Invited me to go to the Interpol Show with him tomorrow!! he Said that I could come chill with him anytime while theyre on tour!!!
So anyway... I basicly had the best day of my life!!! im so stoked right now you have no idea!!! Anyway, thought Id share!! Weather you leave love or not.... Im so stoked!!
LATE!
Kelly K
Thursday, July 19, 2007
BLOG 8: Jacksonville FL.
Ok well…Its been quite sometime… I think, since Ive written anything new. So I thought I would take a few minuets and update everyone.
Well after New Mexico We did 3 Texas Dates. Which was awesome! But only due to the fact that I got to see my Brother, Toni, Paige, David and Nichole!! They all came to the
Anyway, When we got to
We did
Today was 1 of 4 days in
Late!
Kelly K
Oh, and here are some pictures from along the way....
Thursday, July 12, 2007
BLOG 7: Los Cruces NM.
Well, Im in Los Cruces NM right now… Its 10:44am here… I just got my stage set up and My first 3 bands backlined and I thought id take my extra time to write to you! Word!!
Dude, yesterday we were in
Last night I got no sleep. None at all… and you wanna know why??? Cause I kept dreaming that I had to fit all of Red Jumpsuits gear into my bunk. So I kept rolling over and moving around thinking I had to fit gear in there with me. And its like…. At certain points I KNEW I was dreaming… but I just couldn’t wake myself up and think my way out of it! Lame!! I tell you what… If ANY of you ask me to help you move when I get home, or pack a truck…. Forget it!!! Im already tired of packing trucks! Ha!
Well, sorry I don’t have any crazy story’s yet today…. But ill hit you all with more later… Im gonna go to work now!
Late!
Kelly K
Monday, July 9, 2007
BLOG 6: Albuquerque NM
So…today is a day off in
I do have a funny story though to tell you all about
Well, tomorrow is one more day off then we do 5 days straight… That sounds rough but after the 5 days, we have ONE day off then do 12 days straight!! That’s gonna be killer!! Anyway, If youre planning to come to the
Well, I appreciate you all checking these and leaving love. IT makes me feel good to know that I have people at home who care what I do! Thank you! It feels like Ive been out here for about 3 months…. And Im not even close to being done… I cant wait to see whats around the next corner!!
Late!
Kelly K
Friday, July 6, 2007
BLOG 5: Butte Montana
Ok, well, I cant really remember where I left off on my last blog so….. I guess ill just start….. here.
This was my first time to leave the country, and when I first got here all I could think was… wow,
We pulled in around
Anyway, I wrote those last 2 paragraphs 2 days ago.. Im kinda jumping around and Im sorry for that!! Its way crazier out here than I thougt it would be! You don’t always have time to do things or to finsh things that you start… my bad….
We had a show yesterday in
OH!! Funny story for you all… my favorite from the tour so far…. So everyday, I have about 4 guys who work under me. I tell them what to do, and they do it…. Well, one of my guys was chillin with me while we had a second to do so… and looks at me and says, “So, how long have you been sober?” Me, having no clue as to what hes talking about…. I reply, “All freaking day!!!” HA! He said Oh, well, I saw that it says this too shall pass on your arm so I figured you were in AA!!! WHAT!!!! I had no idea that had anything to do with AA! I was like, oh my bad hommie!!! I bet he thought I was some freakin Crazy alcoholic… (like KYLE WARD who probably isn’t even reading this….)
Anyway… I thought that was pretty funny….So tomorrow is SLC Utah, I hope it’s a good day… Im getting the hang of it now… I don’t dread it every day… I am however not looking forward to the 12 shows in a row we have coming up!!! That’s gonna be Killer… So, until next time…
LATE!
Kelly K
Monday, July 2, 2007
BLOG 4: San Francisco
Ok, so yesterday was amazing….. But really only for one reason…. The Vandals!!! They decided to only do ONE show… Lame, and they moved them to the other main stage!!!! So I didn’t even think I was gonna get to see them at all! But I checked their set time so that when it was coming up, I had my guys that work for me bust their asses hella hard and we finished loading my band pretty quick. So I got to go watch them play like 5 songs. It was awesome!! When they played Oi to the World the whole place turned into one huge circle pit! It was amazing to watch…. Oh, then they had the Drummer from Pennywise come out and play “My Girlfriends Dead” with them…. Freaking amazing!
Other than that though, everything has been getting way better. Im learning the routine of things and Im getting used to the long hours and hard work. Im not, however, getting used to waking up not knowing where I am….Trying to find the main stage…. Then at night walking around for 30mins looking for my damn bus!! Yeah, that’s daily for me….. So, I guess im starting to get into it, but I really wonder how Im gonna feel after a month! I do know home is gonna be lookin pretty sweet come August!!
Also… I want you all to know, If ANY of you wanna come to a show and come chill with me, I would love to have you out! You can come watch the shows from on the stage, which is way better than fighting the crowd…. Anyway, check www.warpedtour.com for dates and let me know 2 days in advance that you wanna come and let me know how many guests youre gonna bring! WORD!!!
Well, today is my day off and were driving to
LATE!
Kelly K
BLOG 3: VENTURA
Are you guys tired of these yet????? Today was by far better than yesterday. Still an extremely hard work day, but I got through it without think
We did however, have someone die today. It was kind of buzz kill for everyone working on the tour. Some guy I guess had a heat attack during the Circle Jerks show. Sad really. I gues he was like 40 and had a pacemaker and stuff though, so at least he went out having a good time.
Oh, on a better note, if you ever get the chance I HIGHLY recommend you all go see Kill Switch Engage live.... Wow, those guys are amazing! Im glad they're on my stage! I have never in my life seen a band put so much energy into their show. Oh and check this, probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life! Killswitch is on and we have a bunch of VIPs standing at the back of the stage.... well, on the last song we make everyone clear the stage so that the band can come off uninterrupted.... Ok, so thats what were doing.... were clearing the stage. (let me just say, that the stage is about 7ft off the ground, then 5ft out is security and a barricade) .....so were clearing the stage.... Then all of a sudden some HUGE guy (made me look small) Runs through us, hits the guitar player and TRYS to jump out into the crowd. Clearing the security and barricade floating like a feather through the air as the crowd cheers and catches him!!! But thats not what happened at all. Hommie jumps, but not far, Goes right in-between two security guards that have no idea hes comming and lands belly first on the metal barricade....his face followed promptly! HA HA HA!! I about died!! then the guitar player turns to me (while playing) And says who was that??? I said I have no idea.... and he just said... Eh, LA.....
So, I guess that was the high point of my day.... that or the shower I just took on my bus where you can only use an ounce of water... Im not sure yet what was better...
Anyway, that was my day... sorta.... But tomorrow Ill be in Sanfrancisco then a day off.... If I begin to bore you, stop reading....But ill try to space these out from now on.....
LATE!
Kelly K
I wrote this on June 30th but couldnt post it due to the internet on our bus not working.... sorry for the late post.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
BLOG 2: STILL PAMONA
Well, ok... Today was our first show day. Lets say i was definately excited when i woke up to go and get this started. BUT, it was not what I had hoped to be at all!!
First, my stage has 9 bands on it, Red Jupsuit, Killswitch Engage, Chiodos, Paramore, Cute is what we aim for, The Vandals, Funeral for a friend, Circa Survive, and Coheed. Ok, so heres what I do.... I load each bands gear on stage, then when theyre finished, I load there stuff into the back of a simi and have 3 other guys help me stack the gear 12ft high. but then I only get 25ft long of the simi for band gear. I have to do this all in 30min so that I can do the same thing with the next band......and so on and so forth.....
Lets just say, i started working at 8:30am and finished around 10:30pm. I drank 36 bottles of water and didnt have to use the restroom once. from 10am to 11:30pm I didnt sit down at all. I did, however, forget all about my sunburns... that was the least of my concerns today. The show though, did go amazing. Nothing crazy happend, all the bands got on and off on time... I mean, it was a good day. Well, except for the fact my feet hurt so bad i can barely walk and we have to do it all again tomorrow.....
Im gonna be honest in saying this.... I HAVE NEVER WORKED THIS HARD A DAY IN MY LIFE!! Dad, if youre reading this.... Youre right... Im a slacker! ha ha!!! I should have helped you build all those things you asked me to help you with while I was growing up... then Maybe i would get whats goin on here and wouldnt be contemplating killing myself to get out of it!!! (joke.....but seriosuly....)
Anyway, Our bus leaves in about 3 hours to head to Ventura, so Im gonna try and get some sleep. If my hands still function tomorrow, Ill try to write again.... 2 more shows then a day off!!! (How pathetic am I?)
LATE!
Kelly K
First, my stage has 9 bands on it, Red Jupsuit, Killswitch Engage, Chiodos, Paramore, Cute is what we aim for, The Vandals, Funeral for a friend, Circa Survive, and Coheed. Ok, so heres what I do.... I load each bands gear on stage, then when theyre finished, I load there stuff into the back of a simi and have 3 other guys help me stack the gear 12ft high. but then I only get 25ft long of the simi for band gear. I have to do this all in 30min so that I can do the same thing with the next band......and so on and so forth.....
Lets just say, i started working at 8:30am and finished around 10:30pm. I drank 36 bottles of water and didnt have to use the restroom once. from 10am to 11:30pm I didnt sit down at all. I did, however, forget all about my sunburns... that was the least of my concerns today. The show though, did go amazing. Nothing crazy happend, all the bands got on and off on time... I mean, it was a good day. Well, except for the fact my feet hurt so bad i can barely walk and we have to do it all again tomorrow.....
Im gonna be honest in saying this.... I HAVE NEVER WORKED THIS HARD A DAY IN MY LIFE!! Dad, if youre reading this.... Youre right... Im a slacker! ha ha!!! I should have helped you build all those things you asked me to help you with while I was growing up... then Maybe i would get whats goin on here and wouldnt be contemplating killing myself to get out of it!!! (joke.....but seriosuly....)
Anyway, Our bus leaves in about 3 hours to head to Ventura, so Im gonna try and get some sleep. If my hands still function tomorrow, Ill try to write again.... 2 more shows then a day off!!! (How pathetic am I?)
LATE!
Kelly K
Thursday, June 28, 2007
BLOG 1: PAMONA CA.
I got into Pamona yesterday around 3pm and went straight to the busses... there I met all of 3 people out of the 800,000 around me. (Not quite as nice as I thought everyone would be) Its pretty much like summer camp...and Im the new guy. So, i sat at picnic table for about 4 hrs untill i was givin a hotel room where I could take a shower. So after a mile and a half walk to the hotel, I take a shower and prepare to walk back down to the fairgrounds....fun. I get back to my bus, climb into my bunk wich is about 1 and half feet tall, 2 and a hlaf feet wide and 6 feet long, and fell asleep by 10pm. pretty much a blah of a first day.
Today I got up at 8am and went to find where my stage would be. Once the stage was set up I waited for each of my 9 bands to show to help them unload their gear. then we set up tents for each of the bands behind the stage. Doesnt sound like a lot of work, BUT i didnt get finished till about 9 this evening. there was a party at 7, but i seemed to have worked right through that. SO, bottom line, Im completly sunburnt, tired, sore, and delerious. And tomorrow starts day 1.
So, i dont know if any of this made since at all, or if its horrible.....im just tired so Im about out. Just wanted to leave you all with somthin.... Ill write with more detail next time when im not so dead. Its really quite awesome out her....
Later,
Kelly K
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I wanna be an A-List Celeb too!!!
Ok, So everyone is doing this "Celebrity Look-a-Like" Thing now... So I'm not gonna lie.... it gets me thinking, "I wonder what "hot" Celebrity I look like!....Maybe this is my chance to show the LADIES how hot I REALLY am!!"
So I go check it out like any "NORMAL" person would. Now it says to upload a picture.... I do... I click the "Recognize Face" Button... Then it tells me to sign up for an account..... LAME!!! In most situations like this, and I mean 99% of the time, when I'm asked to sign up I give it the ol F-U and X out of that scam of a website.....
But not today....No, today I was on a mission, I WILL know what A-List Celeb I look like!!! So I sign up...
Well, ok, Im a member now! Under a false name and fake email address they let me in! (What kinda gank ass website doesn't validate your email... ha ha, suckers....)
Upload time! I upload my picture.....I can hardly wait to get the results!!! Im so excited! This will be a life changing day for me I just know it!!!
AND THE RESLUT IS.......
KELLY OSBORNE???? Really?? I mean, Yeah I get that we have the same first name and all... but REALLY?? Don't get me wrong.... I love Ozzy! And if it had said I was close to the Prince of Darkness himself...I would have been stoked!!! but nope.... Kelly Osborne. The Princess of Ugly....
So let me try this again... Maybe I just picked the wrong picture... perhaps I shouldn't get discouraged yet... Yeah, a new picture!!! Lets try this again!!!
OHHHHhhhhh, Yeah, Of course!!!! Why didn't I see it every morning when I looked in the mirror!!!! Anna Kournikova!!! No wonder guys are always trying to buy me shots and take me home every night from the club!!!! Wow, what a relief... Im not a Kelly Osborne Look-a-Like!!! But you know what... why cant it say I look like a DUDE?! I mean, I AM one and everything.... Maybe its the hair... Maybe I threw it off with my BEAUTIFUL blonde hair that it just felt required to say I looked like Anna... Yeah, I don't wanna cheat the system.... Perhaps another picture....
Um...................... Yeah. Mary Kate Olsen??? .....I mean, if I HAVE to be an Olsen twin why couldn't I have at least been Ashley??? This is not going the way I had planned. I wanted to see how much I looked like Matt Damon or Ed Norton... Not the freakin Olsen Twins!!! I mean, how many ladies will dig this line..."Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and see how closely I resemble the Olsen Twins...I cant wait to show you MY Full House...." Yeah, No.
Ok, Last try. If I'm not looking like Ryan Gosling after this one, I quit!!! I cant take this kinda of sick humor and rejection this website has decided to taunt me with!!! Last Picture...
YES!! SCORE!!! I finally look like a guy!!! Oh, wait.... No I don't.... I'm that lame girl from The Fifth Element....WHY! WHY LORD!!! Why couldn't it have at least been like some funny fat guy?? I'd deal with that... Jack Black?? Heck yeah! But nope. I get Kelly Osborne.... John Belushi?? Nope, Anna Kournikova... Ill even take Drew Carrey!!! But they stick me with Mary Kate Olsen!!!!
My day feels like a complete waste now... I'm a failure... I guess Ill never get to be a hot A List Celeb..... Sigh...
My advice to all of you, is stay away from myheritage.com. It will only break your hearts.....
LATER!
Kelly K
So I go check it out like any "NORMAL" person would. Now it says to upload a picture.... I do... I click the "Recognize Face" Button... Then it tells me to sign up for an account..... LAME!!! In most situations like this, and I mean 99% of the time, when I'm asked to sign up I give it the ol F-U and X out of that scam of a website.....
But not today....No, today I was on a mission, I WILL know what A-List Celeb I look like!!! So I sign up...
Well, ok, Im a member now! Under a false name and fake email address they let me in! (What kinda gank ass website doesn't validate your email... ha ha, suckers....)
Upload time! I upload my picture.....I can hardly wait to get the results!!! Im so excited! This will be a life changing day for me I just know it!!!
AND THE RESLUT IS.......
KELLY OSBORNE???? Really?? I mean, Yeah I get that we have the same first name and all... but REALLY?? Don't get me wrong.... I love Ozzy! And if it had said I was close to the Prince of Darkness himself...I would have been stoked!!! but nope.... Kelly Osborne. The Princess of Ugly....
So let me try this again... Maybe I just picked the wrong picture... perhaps I shouldn't get discouraged yet... Yeah, a new picture!!! Lets try this again!!!
OHHHHhhhhh, Yeah, Of course!!!! Why didn't I see it every morning when I looked in the mirror!!!! Anna Kournikova!!! No wonder guys are always trying to buy me shots and take me home every night from the club!!!! Wow, what a relief... Im not a Kelly Osborne Look-a-Like!!! But you know what... why cant it say I look like a DUDE?! I mean, I AM one and everything.... Maybe its the hair... Maybe I threw it off with my BEAUTIFUL blonde hair that it just felt required to say I looked like Anna... Yeah, I don't wanna cheat the system.... Perhaps another picture....
Um...................... Yeah. Mary Kate Olsen??? .....I mean, if I HAVE to be an Olsen twin why couldn't I have at least been Ashley??? This is not going the way I had planned. I wanted to see how much I looked like Matt Damon or Ed Norton... Not the freakin Olsen Twins!!! I mean, how many ladies will dig this line..."Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and see how closely I resemble the Olsen Twins...I cant wait to show you MY Full House...." Yeah, No.
Ok, Last try. If I'm not looking like Ryan Gosling after this one, I quit!!! I cant take this kinda of sick humor and rejection this website has decided to taunt me with!!! Last Picture...
YES!! SCORE!!! I finally look like a guy!!! Oh, wait.... No I don't.... I'm that lame girl from The Fifth Element....WHY! WHY LORD!!! Why couldn't it have at least been like some funny fat guy?? I'd deal with that... Jack Black?? Heck yeah! But nope. I get Kelly Osborne.... John Belushi?? Nope, Anna Kournikova... Ill even take Drew Carrey!!! But they stick me with Mary Kate Olsen!!!!
My day feels like a complete waste now... I'm a failure... I guess Ill never get to be a hot A List Celeb..... Sigh...
My advice to all of you, is stay away from myheritage.com. It will only break your hearts.....
LATER!
Kelly K
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
What the Hell?!?
As I sit thinking about my day and perhaps just the world in general... it brings me to the question.....What the hell?!?!?
Such as....
1) Hey, you in the Jaguar! What the hell makes you think that having a more expensive car than me gives you the right to pull out into traffic in front of me and then immediately hit your breaks because you want to turn into the Starbucks parking lot at 8:50 a.m?
I took the driving test to get my license in the great state of Oklahoma, and I don't recall the part of the drivers' guide that details how right of way is determined by price of vehicle. However, I do remember the part about using the little lights on the corners of your car to show in which direction you intend to turn.
2) What kind of awesome mirrors must fat girls in skimpy outfits own? I mean, damn, do you think you look good when you leave the house with a size 5 top gripping hold of your size 16 belly!!!
What the hell is wrong with these girls who prance around with their stomachs hanging out over the tops of their pants? You'd think you'd want to hide that, wouldn't you? You'd think you'd want to cover that up with a nice big sweater. But you don't. You want to let that belly button roam free, swaying from side to side as it points directly at the ground.
I mean dang... I know I cant wear tight little Hollister shirts....So I dont! No worries!!!
3) What the hell makes people think that walking directly behind someone else is going to make them walk faster? Walking back from lunch today, this dude's right behind us, flip-flops flapping cranked to 11.... You know, there's a good sized area on either side of our group where you can walk by. Shuffling along, two inches behind, is not going to make me walk any faster.
4) The song by Hinder that begins with the line "I think you can do much better than me." It always reminds me that yes I can, and I change the station. What the hell kind of opening line is that?
5) So you graduated from university. Awe-SOME! Now it's time to get a job with all that accumulated knowledge that you paid out the ass for. You can get a job just about anywhere now. It needn't be a stellar, career-setting occupation to start with. Just start browsing Monster for things you're qualified to do. And you never know, you might get lucky and actually find something great.....
But oh.... Why the sad face? Why the depressed blog entries? Why the bemoaning of capitalism, federalism, fate, private enterprise, individualism and gasoline? Why the penniless bank account and mattress in brother's garage? WHY ARE YOU ON MYSPACE AND NOT ON CRAIGSLIST!
Sitting on your butt and listening to "Waiting On The World To Change" means that your unemployment is your own fault. So you decided (in all your nineteen year old wisdom) to major in Fine Arts. Dumb choice, yeah, but there are always jobs. Assistant to the Assistant Deputy Advertising Intern at the Puget Sound Flyer. Whatever. There's only one thing I know to be true and this is it: leaving tragic "status" messages on Facebook and crying about adulthood on myspace isn't helping. You have a degree. Use it. What the Hell.... ( I guess I kind of went off a bit on that one....my bad!)
Anyway, In conclusion... let just call today... "WHAT THE HELL" Day.....
Sigh...
LATE!
Kelly K
Such as....
1) Hey, you in the Jaguar! What the hell makes you think that having a more expensive car than me gives you the right to pull out into traffic in front of me and then immediately hit your breaks because you want to turn into the Starbucks parking lot at 8:50 a.m?
I took the driving test to get my license in the great state of Oklahoma, and I don't recall the part of the drivers' guide that details how right of way is determined by price of vehicle. However, I do remember the part about using the little lights on the corners of your car to show in which direction you intend to turn.
2) What kind of awesome mirrors must fat girls in skimpy outfits own? I mean, damn, do you think you look good when you leave the house with a size 5 top gripping hold of your size 16 belly!!!
What the hell is wrong with these girls who prance around with their stomachs hanging out over the tops of their pants? You'd think you'd want to hide that, wouldn't you? You'd think you'd want to cover that up with a nice big sweater. But you don't. You want to let that belly button roam free, swaying from side to side as it points directly at the ground.
I mean dang... I know I cant wear tight little Hollister shirts....So I dont! No worries!!!
3) What the hell makes people think that walking directly behind someone else is going to make them walk faster? Walking back from lunch today, this dude's right behind us, flip-flops flapping cranked to 11.... You know, there's a good sized area on either side of our group where you can walk by. Shuffling along, two inches behind, is not going to make me walk any faster.
4) The song by Hinder that begins with the line "I think you can do much better than me." It always reminds me that yes I can, and I change the station. What the hell kind of opening line is that?
5) So you graduated from university. Awe-SOME! Now it's time to get a job with all that accumulated knowledge that you paid out the ass for. You can get a job just about anywhere now. It needn't be a stellar, career-setting occupation to start with. Just start browsing Monster for things you're qualified to do. And you never know, you might get lucky and actually find something great.....
But oh.... Why the sad face? Why the depressed blog entries? Why the bemoaning of capitalism, federalism, fate, private enterprise, individualism and gasoline? Why the penniless bank account and mattress in brother's garage? WHY ARE YOU ON MYSPACE AND NOT ON CRAIGSLIST!
Sitting on your butt and listening to "Waiting On The World To Change" means that your unemployment is your own fault. So you decided (in all your nineteen year old wisdom) to major in Fine Arts. Dumb choice, yeah, but there are always jobs. Assistant to the Assistant Deputy Advertising Intern at the Puget Sound Flyer. Whatever. There's only one thing I know to be true and this is it: leaving tragic "status" messages on Facebook and crying about adulthood on myspace isn't helping. You have a degree. Use it. What the Hell.... ( I guess I kind of went off a bit on that one....my bad!)
Anyway, In conclusion... let just call today... "WHAT THE HELL" Day.....
Sigh...
LATE!
Kelly K
The Fair: A Great American Raping
Who, you might ask, am I going to hate on today? Who has annoyed me so much that I must write and rant on the subject? Well, I'll tell you! The freakin' fair! or Carnival, or circus..... Or maybe even not the places themselves, but perhaps the people that go to them.
Let's look here, and I apologize ahead of time if I step on anyone's toes..... First off, they bring this "Big Ol Fair" to YOUR town! WOODOO! They come and take over YOUR mall parking lot with their 4 exciting "THRILL" rides, 3 kiddy rides, and their ferris wheel, which is almost big enough to see over the mall! (But not quite.) They bring these "joys of life" to you for your enjoyment, and your enjoyment ONLY!
Yeah, or to rape you.
They set up little games to play! How fun! Throw a ball at the bottles! Knock them down and win a PRIZE! The only problem here is you just paid $5 to throw a ball at some rigged bottles that aren't gonna fall over, even if God decided to knock them down, and you just got a "PRIZE" worth about $.50! Yeah, wonderful way to spend those 5 bones! Oh, but you were paying for the experience? Well, come to my house, I'll set up some bottles, Throw a ball....the bottles will fall, you'll have the experience, and I only charge $3! Now that's a fun time!
And how about these wonderful thrill rides they ever so lovingly bring to us.... Yeah, let's look at them.... Ok, so it takes tickets to ride. Let's go buy tickets. $20 for 20 tickets! Awesome! That's like at least 10 rides, right? I mean, there's no way they can charge over $2 per ride....right?
Nope. Let's go ride the Spinning Wheel of Doom! Yeah, that sounds fun! Oh, 8 tickets? Well, ok, this ride looks scary AND fun! I'll pay 8 tickets for that! We ride and ride and ride for about 90 seconds at amazing speeds of over 5MPH! YES YES Y-E-S YES!!! That was SOOOooooo worth 8 of my hard earned dollars! I worked an hour at my job to spin in a circle for a minute and a half! Again, come to my house and I'll put you in my BEAUTIFUL white, 98 Ford Mustang and drive you in circles for 5 minutes going at least 30mph and only again charge $3!
Now let's look at the ever so lovely people at the fair... we all know they set up these wonderful places for your blue collar, white, inbred American family. So here we have Joe Mechanic and the Stay at Home wife, Overweight Son 1 and 2, and the "I'm way to cool and Goth to be at the fair" daughter. Now this Joker makes roughly, and this is going out on a limb, $30,000 a year. Here they are for the "Time of their Life"!
They pay $5 a piece to get in the door, $60 in tickets for the kiddos, and at least $50 on food they could have gotten anywhere else for $10. Not to mention the $100 they spent on games. And since the kids are America's finest, they won nothing. Not to mention 2 of the kids were fat, so they couldn't ride any of the rides and the tickets are non refundable....nice. This "average" family easily dropped $250 on dang near NOTHING! Now add this up with all the great American families at the fair. What do you have?? A good ol' fashioned ASS RAPING! The fair is raping you! And you keep wanting to go again and again!
And then what do they do? Come to your town 4 more times that year with a different name... Oh, you went to the fair, you say??? How about the CARNIVAL! No? What about the CIRCUS! Ok, you say the circus is different, they have animals! Yeah, half dead animals that walk in a circle, praying to be put out of their misery. You could have saved the $10 admittance and gone to the zoo on 50 cent Wednesday!
So, there you have it. I hate fairs, carnivals, the circus, and let's go ahead and say petting zoos too, 'cause we ALL know that's a RIP! I mean, shoot, again, come to my house, give me $3, and feed me food! It's way more entertaining, AND I'll even throw in a bit of conversation!
Whatever....
LATE!
Kelly K
Let's look here, and I apologize ahead of time if I step on anyone's toes..... First off, they bring this "Big Ol Fair" to YOUR town! WOODOO! They come and take over YOUR mall parking lot with their 4 exciting "THRILL" rides, 3 kiddy rides, and their ferris wheel, which is almost big enough to see over the mall! (But not quite.) They bring these "joys of life" to you for your enjoyment, and your enjoyment ONLY!
Yeah, or to rape you.
They set up little games to play! How fun! Throw a ball at the bottles! Knock them down and win a PRIZE! The only problem here is you just paid $5 to throw a ball at some rigged bottles that aren't gonna fall over, even if God decided to knock them down, and you just got a "PRIZE" worth about $.50! Yeah, wonderful way to spend those 5 bones! Oh, but you were paying for the experience? Well, come to my house, I'll set up some bottles, Throw a ball....the bottles will fall, you'll have the experience, and I only charge $3! Now that's a fun time!
And how about these wonderful thrill rides they ever so lovingly bring to us.... Yeah, let's look at them.... Ok, so it takes tickets to ride. Let's go buy tickets. $20 for 20 tickets! Awesome! That's like at least 10 rides, right? I mean, there's no way they can charge over $2 per ride....right?
Nope. Let's go ride the Spinning Wheel of Doom! Yeah, that sounds fun! Oh, 8 tickets? Well, ok, this ride looks scary AND fun! I'll pay 8 tickets for that! We ride and ride and ride for about 90 seconds at amazing speeds of over 5MPH! YES YES Y-E-S YES!!! That was SOOOooooo worth 8 of my hard earned dollars! I worked an hour at my job to spin in a circle for a minute and a half! Again, come to my house and I'll put you in my BEAUTIFUL white, 98 Ford Mustang and drive you in circles for 5 minutes going at least 30mph and only again charge $3!
Now let's look at the ever so lovely people at the fair... we all know they set up these wonderful places for your blue collar, white, inbred American family. So here we have Joe Mechanic and the Stay at Home wife, Overweight Son 1 and 2, and the "I'm way to cool and Goth to be at the fair" daughter. Now this Joker makes roughly, and this is going out on a limb, $30,000 a year. Here they are for the "Time of their Life"!
They pay $5 a piece to get in the door, $60 in tickets for the kiddos, and at least $50 on food they could have gotten anywhere else for $10. Not to mention the $100 they spent on games. And since the kids are America's finest, they won nothing. Not to mention 2 of the kids were fat, so they couldn't ride any of the rides and the tickets are non refundable....nice. This "average" family easily dropped $250 on dang near NOTHING! Now add this up with all the great American families at the fair. What do you have?? A good ol' fashioned ASS RAPING! The fair is raping you! And you keep wanting to go again and again!
And then what do they do? Come to your town 4 more times that year with a different name... Oh, you went to the fair, you say??? How about the CARNIVAL! No? What about the CIRCUS! Ok, you say the circus is different, they have animals! Yeah, half dead animals that walk in a circle, praying to be put out of their misery. You could have saved the $10 admittance and gone to the zoo on 50 cent Wednesday!
So, there you have it. I hate fairs, carnivals, the circus, and let's go ahead and say petting zoos too, 'cause we ALL know that's a RIP! I mean, shoot, again, come to my house, give me $3, and feed me food! It's way more entertaining, AND I'll even throw in a bit of conversation!
Whatever....
LATE!
Kelly K
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
HEY FATTY!!
Avoid social embarrassment by memorizing this handy list of what you can and can't do if you're a fat kid in high school.
Welcome to high school, Chubby! Even though you're fat and undoubtedly have low self esteem and virtually no athletic ability, your numerous stomach rolls shouldn't limit the fun you can have for the next four years. Because I care about you and your social well being, I've assembled a guide of what you can and can't do throughout high school; that way, you won't have to figure them out the hard way.
If you memorize this list and heed my advice, then who knows, you might just get voted Jolliest Fat Kid your senior year. And we all know that everyone loves the jolly fat kid!!!
Ok, here we go!!
Can't be: a cheerleader
Can be: a baton twirler
Can't: join the basketball team
Can: squeegee the court
Can't: be in the school play
Can: help build the set
Can't play: the flute
Can play: the tuba
Can't join: the French club
Can join: the German club
Can't do: hurdles
Can do: shotput
Can't: get a date to Homecoming
Can: vote for the Homecoming queen
Can't hang out with: the Abercrombie crowd
Can hang out with: the Hot Topic crowd
Can't get detention for: trying to make out in the hallway
Can get detention for: trying to make off with a double helping of waffles on Breakfast for Lunch Day in the cafeteria
Can't get invited to: a popular kid's kegger when his parents are out of town
Can get invited to: your friend's LAN party when his parents are upstairs
So there ya go guys!! I've just saved your life. Put this list in your locker, keep it close to you, and remember.....even though youre fat, you can have fun!!!
LATE!
Kelly K
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