HEY FATTY!!

Ok, Let me you help you out here.....

Avoid social embarrassment by memorizing this handy list of what you can and can't do if you're a fat kid in high school.

Welcome to high school, Chubby! Even though you're fat and undoubtedly have low self esteem and virtually no athletic ability, your numerous stomach rolls shouldn't limit the fun you can have for the next four years. Because I care about you and your social well being, I've assembled a guide of what you can and can't do throughout high school; that way, you won't have to figure them out the hard way.

If you memorize this list and heed my advice, then who knows, you might just get voted Jolliest Fat Kid your senior year. And we all know that everyone loves the jolly fat kid!!!

Ok, here we go!!

Can't be: a cheerleader


Can be: a baton twirler


Can't: join the basketball team


Can: squeegee the court


Can't: be in the school play


Can: help build the set


Can't play: the flute


Can play: the tuba


Can't join: the French club


Can join: the German club


Can't do: hurdles


Can do: shotput


Can't: get a date to Homecoming


Can: vote for the Homecoming queen


Can't hang out with: the Abercrombie crowd


Can hang out with: the Hot Topic crowd


Can't get detention for: trying to make out in the hallway


Can get detention for: trying to make off with a double helping of waffles on Breakfast for Lunch Day in the cafeteria


Can't get invited to: a popular kid's kegger when his parents are out of town


Can get invited to: your friend's LAN party when his parents are upstairs



So there ya go guys!! I've just saved your life. Put this list in your locker, keep it close to you, and remember.....even though youre fat, you can have fun!!!

LATE!
Kelly K

Kelly K Day!!!

So, In looking at a calender, Ive noticed that there are many days with peoples name attached to them... Such as Columbus day, Martin Luther King day, St Patrick's Day, and then not to mention Mothers day and Fathers day, Earth day, Presidents day, and then the ever popular, April Fools Day.... Now at looking at all these days i was thinkin, What do you have to do to get a day?? I want a day!!! Yeah, me, Kelly K should have a DAY! But i don't want it to be some overlooked day of minor importance... no sir... So as i dive deeper in thought of what DAY should be mine, I finally settle on Dec. 25th.

Yeah, Dec 25th, Kelly K day!!! We all open presents eat good food, hang out with family and friends!! ahh, what a day to commemorate me!!! Ok ok ok, now I know what you're thinkin and yeah, ok, i guess i am too... Kelly K day being on Dec 25th would be a little sacraligious.... Ok, lets X that out....

Next choice, without stepping on to many toes would Obviously be Oct 31st. Yep, Oct 31st, Kelly K Day!!! Everyone would dress up like me, Hoodie, shorts, and OU hats for all!!! Then we would all go door to door and get candy from our neighbors and say, Kelly K Wants Some candy!!! ah yes, the elderly would chuckle as they poor handfuls of candy into your brown sack with my face on it! (provided for free from your local neighborhood Wal-Mart) What a great day!!!! But wait....Maybe this isn't the best day for me... I wouldn't want all these people to know the power or greatness of being me!!! even if its only for a day!!! yeah, nope, bad plan.....Scratch out Oct. 31st.....

Choice "C"...... How about not just one set day.... yeah, how about the 4th Thursday of every November!!! yeah!! keep people on there toes! Kelly K Day, The 4th Thursday of every November!! People will all get together and cook LARGE meals and sit with each other and Discus how great Ive been in each oh their lives.... then they could all watch football or somthin... Yeah! good day! good plan!!....but thats no good, who wants a Holiday on a Thursday EVERY year....I mean, I want Kelly K Day to fall on Saturday at least ONCE!!! Ok, bad call.....NEXT!

Alright, Ive got it, the perfect day. July 4th!!! Yes sir, Kelly K day will be July 4th!!! See, what Ive done here is taken a Holiday that has lost all meaning to anyone, that involves fire and explosions, and is known for being THE most FUN holiday ever!!! Yep, On July 4th, Kelly K day, we will blow things up and light things on fire, swim at public pools, eat hot dogs, and lay on blankets in parks and watch even more BIGGER Explosions!!! yes yes yes!! Good idea, But i guess I cant take all the credit, I really need to thank this Country that had a day to celebrate how great it was to live here in a free country, then over the years make people so ungrateful because of the freedom they have, that they don't even recognize or care about the true meaning of the day!!! As long as they can eat and blow stuff up, I'm sure they will be happy to celebrate July 4th in my name!!!

So that settles it, July 4th, is now unofficially, OFFICIALLY Kelly K Day!!!! Now go out there and celebrate with pride!!!

LATE
Kelly K <---- (He has his own day!)

Tattoos and Burritos...

So heres the deal.... When someone asks to look at or compliments your tattoos, Its not because they like yours, Its because they want to show you theirs! I guarantee this!! This issue is what leads us into our story....

Mikey and I decide to stop in the ol' Town and Country last night on the way home to get some burritos. (because we all know those are the best burritos on the planet!) Anyway, this is just another "Normal" stop in T&C for us, I juggle some lemons, Mikey puts some bananas on his head....you know, the normal things that you do.... Well, we order our burritos (and a Chimi!) and we go to the register to pay...

Well, the guy ringing us up gives us the total and I start to pay him and he says, Hey man, Nice work on your arm there......Now, I already know where he's going with this. So I say thanks and just stare at him without saying another word. Sure enough he says......Yeah....Mine aren't that nice... Now, since I already know the routine and Im kinda annoyed about it.. I say, oh, do you have some prison ink?? Well, he lifts up his sleeve and I see THE WORST tattoo ever!!! Hes got like an oddly shaped Dice (or die I guess it would be..) with FTW under or behind it.... I don't know, I couldn't tell.Oh, but it doesn't stop there, I say, "Wow, Looks like you tried to get a little cover up there" Cause to ME it looked like he tried to cover the FTW with the die... But Mikey just plainly states, "Looks like a die with FTW in it!" To which the clerk replies, "YEAH! IT IS!" then he proceeds to tell us he got it done in the back of a truck going 90mph by a friend with a guitar string while he was stoned..... So of course I'm HELLA impressed and I wanna be this guys best friend because hes SO COOL!!! no......

So then he decides to show me the rest of his tattoos.... and for the life of me, I cant figure out why every loser stoner with a crappy job who looks 30 years older then they are ALWAYS has a TAZ tattoo.....and low and behold...tattoo number 2......TAZ. I think to myself....Typical. This is his best tattoo by far. Now if i had this thing on my arm, i would have shot the fool that lied about being good at tattoos... But Clerk Boy here seemed to like it. Then he told me this one was done at home by his brother with a guitar sting... Now does this dude REALLY think Im Impressed?? So i say, "dang dude, you need to get some REAL art or somthin!!!" He Just smiles and points to his knuckles (which is already a pretty trashy place to get tattoos, Unless you're Ozzy or play in Rancid) So his Knuckles say something like "LONG" Or whatever. And they look.......rough to say the least. I kinda cringe when i see it. And then he says, "Yeah, this one was done with a hypodermic needle and some ink!" Im Like woah!!! Hey "AIDS" don't touch My burrito!!! Dang!! This fool has gotta be contagious!!! Im gonna say this is the most UNCLEAN dude I have ever met, and he was totally stoked about that!!!! All I know is that HIV boy is NOT allowed to serve me food EVER!!!

So, in conclusion.....don't ask me to see my tattoos unless you really wanna see em......Cause I really dont care about yours!!

LATE
Kelly K

Mic Check???

I'm a fairly competent, semi-professional musician. I've been playing guitar for years, and know what things are supposed to sound like when playing live with a band. My band played some pretty decent shows and we had a decent following...

So..... why do I inevitably get the moron on the mixing board who went to the local audio/visual college who's tonedeaf, squints a lot, and has a soul patch? And from what I can tell, quite a few musicians are having the same troubles.

Admittedly, these people work pretty hard and spend a lot of money to get the "degree" that they have. But I think I know why they are all as useful musically as Helen Keller....... and not like Beethoven.

Number One. Not everyone is competent or has an ear for music. Attending a 14 month college to become a sound technician doesn't mean that you're ready to help produce The Alkaline Trio's new album. Just because you know what button to press and what level things are technically supposed to be at doesn't mean that you know what level my guitar is supposed to be in relation to the rest of the instruments during our third song. I'm supposed to tell you that! You're supposed to listen to me!

Why would you cut the level of my guitar at the chorus? Are you nuts?

Numero Dos. These "colleges" compress a roughly 3 year degree program into about 14 months. They have STRANGE hours for their classes and labs. They basically shove these people against the wall, force feeding crap into their brains so that they literally crap information about the newest Mackie 24 channel mixers out of their mouths! When these people get out, they are excited and come to the gig feeling like they know EXACTLY what they are doing, even though the only live performance they've done is their final at the college. If I hear one more of them talking about how now they want to set up a studio in their apartment, I may have to start carrying a gun to put them out of their misery.......

Number Three. They secretly hate the fact that I'm on stage and they are not. I know, I know.... Your parents bought you a guitar for Christmas five years ago, and you SWORE to yourself that you would get a band together and be the next... I don't know... The Edge from U2. (They're popular again, right, iPod lovers?) It's not your fault that you just don't have the drive or the ability to get people to listen to your latest rendition of "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" from Drowning Pool. But why must you punish me? Why, my little tech, why?

And finally, I realize that there's nothing I can do. These guys come cheap. The bar and club owners want to make money, and they could probably give these people a few beers and a churro and they might even forget they were supposed to get paid for this job. And the owners don't trust the bands to run the sound equipment, so I can't even correct it myself.....sigh.....

Maybe I should write a song about it and play it at our next show... while eating a churro.....

LATE!
Kelly K

Did you know that Douchetones doesn't set off my spell checker?

State Of The Music Industry

Ok....First of all Why is the music business ALA record labels having problems. Most say it is Stealing Downloads which is def. a big part of the equation. If you Steal music you should be shot and hung. Not only is it costing record companies money but it has also cost artist tons of money because record company money flows to artist. No Rec company money, no artist money. ya dig? Not to mention that the Big 12 of Labels has dwindled to the big 3 soon to be big 2. What does that do you ask? That means about 4 people are gonna decide which bands will get signed and promoted which will in turn limit our choices on music and exposure to bands worldwide. But that is just the beginning

The biggest problem with the music (record) industry is the fact that you have these so called A&R guys (that is the people that find talent) that are to busy trying to be cool and signing stupid bands that no one outside of LA or NY or the UK give a rats butt about. We manage Nickelback, maybe not the hippest band on the block but they have sold 20 million records and sell out arena's. Will the Arctic Monkeys do that? Uh don't think so. See these LA and NY guys forget that there are 48 other states in this Good ole US of A that buys music. The industry calls it the Fly over zone. When they find bands that tap into that market then that band usually sells records, lots of them. Maybe one day these people will get that before it is to late.

LATER,

Kelly K

Dear, Car In Front of me...

Go, man. Just go. Forward. Move forward. Don't be scared. You can do it. People do it all the time. There's people doing it all over the city, even now as we sit here. Am I part of some anti-forward protest and I don't know it? Are you sleeping? Are you checking your email? I could have disassembled my car, climbed over yours dragging the parts in my mouth one-by-one, and reassembled it in front of you faster than this. We've been here so long I forgot where I was going. Maybe you are confused about the pedal system on your floorboard. Take a look at this diagram:

Seems like maybe you hate progress. Don't live in the past bro! Take the next step and pull out of this driveway oasis. Don't be afraid of change. If there weren't so many people behind me, I would back out, turn around, and drive the opposite direction around the planet!

Does sitting in a motionless car burn calories? Are you trying to say I'm fat? Are you waiting for everyone to get to their destination and then pull forward? That is incredibly polite, but you are chasing an impossible dream my man!! There will always be cars. You have to select a space in-between them and introduce your giant SUV into the flow of traffic!

Maybe you could hum the theme from Karate Kid for inspiration. Sometimes you have to sweep the leg. Please go. I tried to move your car through telekinesis, but I think I might have popped a blood vessel in my eye. You know, eventually the rubber in your tires will disintegrate. Then where will you be? I know where you'll be..... RIGHT FREAKING HERE!

When the monkeys take over, I hope they kill you first.


LATE
Kelly K

Waste My Day

It seems Ive seen this way before, we act dis contagious. But I'm not running anymore, when life gets outrageous. You bide your time by getting by, falling in weakness. I waste my time to wonder why, cause I cant believe this. At sudden times I've hit the floor, I'm turning the pages. Its not funny anymore, the fits and the rages. I bide my time by getting by, Cause I've done and seen this. I'm wasting time, I wonder why, cause I have believed this. Could you waste my day here anymore? I don't wanna take it. And I'm not at play here anymore. Makes no since to fake it. Thoughts have changed, I've rearranged. Now I have a vision. I fought the thoughts back till I'm sane. Now I'm on a mission. You breathe, you bide, you're slipping by, your image is weakness. You're wasting time here by my side, but now I can see this. Could you waste my day here anymore? I don't wanna take it, I'm not at play here anymore makes no since to fake it. Could you waste my day here anymore? i don't wanna take it. I'm not at play here anymore makes no since to fake it. I've done my time now leave me alone. Committed no crime so I break these chains, I'm free. If passions a crime then throw me a bone. Ive done nothing wrong so please get away, get away, get away, from me. Could you waste my day here anymore? I don't wanna take it. and I'm not at play here anymore, I don't wanna fake it.


Late,
Kelly K

Drama with Capitol C...

Ok, so heres what I've learned. When massive amounts of drama follow someone....like, they always have an excuse for you due to some insane situation involving them or friends.... yeah, its not REALLY drama... Its called LIES! I cant stand it! Just tell me the freaking truth! Ill appreciate the honesty a lot more! Yeah, it may not be fun to hear but at least i can deal with it! Dont use me for my money, my friends, my "hook-ups" whatever.....Dont use me, dont lie to me. Just say hey Kelly, I dont REALLY like you but i want all you have to offer...... That'll make more since to me!!! HA! And to think I just thought you were hard to read! HARD TO READ, MY ASS!!!! I couldn't read you or figure you out because you were full of lies!!! And to think i wasted MY time on YOU. Whatever, I'm out.

Late,
Kelly K

Road Trip...

OK.....So one of the bands we manage, RED, broke down about a month ago in Boise Idaho while they were on tour. When this happened they had to ride in another tour bus with another band. In doing so, they had to leave there trailer and there gear in Idaho. Well, they finished the tour by using the other bands gear. No problem. Well, now the tour was over. They needed to get there gear home. So we start price checking on how much it will cost to have a company bring the trailer back to Nashville. (thats where the band lives)

Well, we find out the cheapest we can get a company to do it for is about 4 grand. So were like, no forget that!!.... So we start trying to find a cheaper way to go about it... Well, as you have probably already guessed... I got elected to do the deed.

So that night, at 10pm I leave Midland and head to Oklahoma City where i was gonna Pick up a truck and my boy Ricky to help me out. I had no clue that this 4000mile trip was going to take over 94hrs. I was unprepared!!!

Anyway, I get to Oklahoma City around 5am Ricky was still awake. I was like dude, you need to get some rest cause im tired!!! im gonna make you drive!!! He said he was good. so whatever.... I went to sleep and got up at 8am. We left Ricks house and headed to Stillwater to pick up the truck. And just as I thought, as soon as we start driving to Stillwater Rick is out cold!! im like, blah, im so tired and this fool is sleeping!!! We get the Truck, and we start heading toward Idaho.....

Stillwater to Idaho is a 25hr drive by the way. The first 18 hours weren't so bad! We were talkin and havin a pretty good time! We stopped in LoveLand Colorado. Now let me tell you, I dont know if it was just the restaurant we stopped at or the whole town, but that is where God hid all the Beautiful ladies!!! It was insane!!! .....Note to self, Move to LoveLand!

Ok i know this is boring..... So ill just jump to We got the trailer..... and we drove 35hrs to Nashville.

Now, just a couple of notes here......
1.Ricky didn't tell anyone he was leaving and didnt bring a cell phone charger...You can imagine how this scenario goes...
2. We were in a truck for 90hrs without stopping. No showers.... Did not smell well in the truck by the 3rd day....... not good.
3. Kelly cant sleep well in cars...... So at one point Kelly decided to take just half of a pack of Tylenol PM. He thought he would just sleep a few hours then let Rick sleep....... Kelly slept for 9hrs. Poor Rick, Drove all the way across Nebraska alone at night....
4. If Rick Isnt driving....Hes sleeping.... He doesnt talk to you!! ha ha

Ok... So anyway, we Drop the trailer Off with RED and we head back home...... Wait... Did I mention we got to stop in MO. and See Tyler?? yeah well, we did. Which was Rad cause I haven't seen that fool in about 7 months. Anyway, good times were had.....

So heading back into Oklahoma I see a Casino i have never gone too. So we HAD to stop... I mean come on!! So we went in for 45min. And i left with an extra $500!! not a bad stop if I do say so Myself!! Anyway we made it back to Oklahoma around 8pm on Monday..... It was a crazy trip!!!

Of course I'm leaving out TONS of stories and Details..... but then this would be even longer and more boring!!! so anyway..... Crossing 15states.... 4000Miles.....in over 90hrs.....

LATER!!!

Kelly K


Here are a few pictures from the trip......



HERE IS THE TRUCK AND TRAILOR......




RICK DRIVING.......



RICK NOT DRIVING............



RICK NOT DRIVING AGAIN......



CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL................



THE EVER POPULAR TYLER.......



TRYING TO KILL THE EVER POPULAR TYLER........


THATS TYLERS CAR FOLLOWING US, NOT IMPORTANT, BUT HEY, WE TOOK THE PICTURE, MIGHT AS WELL USE IT.....



NOTICE, WHEN PULLING A TRAILER WE ONLY GOT ABOUT 8MPG.... WE SPENT OVER $900 ON GAS!!!






AND THIS IS JUST A PICTURE I HAD OF TYLER KISSING A MANIKIN.....






DISCLAIMER........ we dont look to great in these pictures because we were tired, dirty and just plain HAGGARD!!!

Reflections.....

Weird day.... Lots of thoughts and emotions.... Sorry, this is more for me than you. But take what you will......


And everybody knows that the plague is coming, Everybody knows that its moving fast. Everybody knows that the naked man and woman, Are just a shining artifact of the past. Everybody knows the scene is dead. But theres gonna be a meter on your bed That will disclose What everybody knows.

Dad, your boy is about to fall. He walks the razor's edge. He's on the brink of fading out. He's at his bitter end. Dad, your boy who used to run, you taught him how to crawl. He left home to find his own, now all he had is gone. In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells. I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it. Let's walk away from this hell.

What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? In a perfect situation I let love down the drain. There's the pitch, slow and straight. All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero, but I'm a zero.

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired. You are stuck to me everyday, Believe in what I am because it's all I have today. And tomorrow who knows where we'll be. From here I can hardly see a thing But I will follow anyone who brings me to you.

Well first things first, we've gotta find a way To make the beauty of the nighttime last all day. We'll do our very best to keep our appetites in check. You better watch your back, we want your neck
Nothing but rotten apples lay here light years from the tree. Got thrown out of the house at the ripe age of three. I'll do my very best to keep my feelings off my chest, And out of your neck.

Yo, get out the get out the way of the money man. Ladies know I'm dope, so consider me contraband. Fella's are just jealous, cuz they're ponies and I'm mustang. Don't try to hang cuz I'm out with a big bang. Get get down, all the ladies wanna be with me. Get get down, all the fellas compete with me. Get get down, and I know that I'm trippin, but I really don't care cuz this is how I'm livin'.

Now tickets to concerts and drinking at clubs, Sometimes for music that you haven't even heard of. And how much did you pay for your rock'n'roll t-shirt
That proves you were there, That you heard of them first? How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?

Tossing turning roll away, Indecision won't you ever make up your mind.
Lifetime Nighttime wake the day Cause tomorrow will see if you've had your fill of sympathy. Will you never cease to be the glutton of sympathy?
Don't you know the stars are all fading let the sunshine capture the sparkle
of your smile.

LATE
Kelly K

Sometimes I cant say it so well.....but you can.