I wanna be an A-List Celeb too!!!

Ok, So everyone is doing this "Celebrity Look-a-Like" Thing now... So I'm not gonna lie.... it gets me thinking, "I wonder what "hot" Celebrity I look like!....Maybe this is my chance to show the LADIES how hot I REALLY am!!"

So I go check it out like any "NORMAL" person would. Now it says to upload a picture.... I do... I click the "Recognize Face" Button... Then it tells me to sign up for an account..... LAME!!! In most situations like this, and I mean 99% of the time, when I'm asked to sign up I give it the ol F-U and X out of that scam of a website.....

But not today....No, today I was on a mission, I WILL know what A-List Celeb I look like!!! So I sign up...

Well, ok, Im a member now! Under a false name and fake email address they let me in! (What kinda gank ass website doesn't validate your email... ha ha, suckers....)

Upload time! I upload my picture.....I can hardly wait to get the results!!! Im so excited! This will be a life changing day for me I just know it!!!

AND THE RESLUT IS.......



KELLY OSBORNE???? Really?? I mean, Yeah I get that we have the same first name and all... but REALLY?? Don't get me wrong.... I love Ozzy! And if it had said I was close to the Prince of Darkness himself...I would have been stoked!!! but nope.... Kelly Osborne. The Princess of Ugly....

So let me try this again... Maybe I just picked the wrong picture... perhaps I shouldn't get discouraged yet... Yeah, a new picture!!! Lets try this again!!!



OHHHHhhhhh, Yeah, Of course!!!! Why didn't I see it every morning when I looked in the mirror!!!! Anna Kournikova!!! No wonder guys are always trying to buy me shots and take me home every night from the club!!!! Wow, what a relief... Im not a Kelly Osborne Look-a-Like!!! But you know what... why cant it say I look like a DUDE?! I mean, I AM one and everything.... Maybe its the hair... Maybe I threw it off with my BEAUTIFUL blonde hair that it just felt required to say I looked like Anna... Yeah, I don't wanna cheat the system.... Perhaps another picture....



Um...................... Yeah. Mary Kate Olsen??? .....I mean, if I HAVE to be an Olsen twin why couldn't I have at least been Ashley??? This is not going the way I had planned. I wanted to see how much I looked like Matt Damon or Ed Norton... Not the freakin Olsen Twins!!! I mean, how many ladies will dig this line..."Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and see how closely I resemble the Olsen Twins...I cant wait to show you MY Full House...." Yeah, No.

Ok, Last try. If I'm not looking like Ryan Gosling after this one, I quit!!! I cant take this kinda of sick humor and rejection this website has decided to taunt me with!!! Last Picture...


YES!! SCORE!!! I finally look like a guy!!! Oh, wait.... No I don't.... I'm that lame girl from The Fifth Element....WHY! WHY LORD!!! Why couldn't it have at least been like some funny fat guy?? I'd deal with that... Jack Black?? Heck yeah! But nope. I get Kelly Osborne.... John Belushi?? Nope, Anna Kournikova... Ill even take Drew Carrey!!! But they stick me with Mary Kate Olsen!!!!

My day feels like a complete waste now... I'm a failure... I guess Ill never get to be a hot A List Celeb..... Sigh...

My advice to all of you, is stay away from myheritage.com. It will only break your hearts.....

LATER!
Kelly K

What the Hell?!?

As I sit thinking about my day and perhaps just the world in general... it brings me to the question.....What the hell?!?!?

Such as....

1) Hey, you in the Jaguar! What the hell makes you think that having a more expensive car than me gives you the right to pull out into traffic in front of me and then immediately hit your breaks because you want to turn into the Starbucks parking lot at 8:50 a.m?

I took the driving test to get my license in the great state of Oklahoma, and I don't recall the part of the drivers' guide that details how right of way is determined by price of vehicle. However, I do remember the part about using the little lights on the corners of your car to show in which direction you intend to turn.

2) What kind of awesome mirrors must fat girls in skimpy outfits own? I mean, damn, do you think you look good when you leave the house with a size 5 top gripping hold of your size 16 belly!!!


What the hell is wrong with these girls who prance around with their stomachs hanging out over the tops of their pants? You'd think you'd want to hide that, wouldn't you? You'd think you'd want to cover that up with a nice big sweater. But you don't. You want to let that belly button roam free, swaying from side to side as it points directly at the ground.

I mean dang... I know I cant wear tight little Hollister shirts....So I dont! No worries!!!

3) What the hell makes people think that walking directly behind someone else is going to make them walk faster? Walking back from lunch today, this dude's right behind us, flip-flops flapping cranked to 11.... You know, there's a good sized area on either side of our group where you can walk by. Shuffling along, two inches behind, is not going to make me walk any faster.


4) The song by Hinder that begins with the line "I think you can do much better than me." It always reminds me that yes I can, and I change the station. What the hell kind of opening line is that?

5) So you graduated from university. Awe-SOME! Now it's time to get a job with all that accumulated knowledge that you paid out the ass for. You can get a job just about anywhere now. It needn't be a stellar, career-setting occupation to start with. Just start browsing Monster for things you're qualified to do. And you never know, you might get lucky and actually find something great.....

But oh.... Why the sad face? Why the depressed blog entries? Why the bemoaning of capitalism, federalism, fate, private enterprise, individualism and gasoline? Why the penniless bank account and mattress in brother's garage? WHY ARE YOU ON MYSPACE AND NOT ON CRAIGSLIST!

Sitting on your butt and listening to "Waiting On The World To Change" means that your unemployment is your own fault. So you decided (in all your nineteen year old wisdom) to major in Fine Arts. Dumb choice, yeah, but there are always jobs. Assistant to the Assistant Deputy Advertising Intern at the Puget Sound Flyer. Whatever. There's only one thing I know to be true and this is it: leaving tragic "status" messages on Facebook and crying about adulthood on myspace isn't helping. You have a degree. Use it. What the Hell.... ( I guess I kind of went off a bit on that one....my bad!)

Anyway, In conclusion... let just call today... "WHAT THE HELL" Day.....

Sigh...

LATE!
Kelly K

The Fair: A Great American Raping

Who, you might ask, am I going to hate on today? Who has annoyed me so much that I must write and rant on the subject? Well, I'll tell you! The freakin' fair! or Carnival, or circus..... Or maybe even not the places themselves, but perhaps the people that go to them.

Let's look here, and I apologize ahead of time if I step on anyone's toes..... First off, they bring this "Big Ol Fair" to YOUR town! WOODOO! They come and take over YOUR mall parking lot with their 4 exciting "THRILL" rides, 3 kiddy rides, and their ferris wheel, which is almost big enough to see over the mall! (But not quite.) They bring these "joys of life" to you for your enjoyment, and your enjoyment ONLY!

Yeah, or to rape you.

They set up little games to play! How fun! Throw a ball at the bottles! Knock them down and win a PRIZE! The only problem here is you just paid $5 to throw a ball at some rigged bottles that aren't gonna fall over, even if God decided to knock them down, and you just got a "PRIZE" worth about $.50! Yeah, wonderful way to spend those 5 bones! Oh, but you were paying for the experience? Well, come to my house, I'll set up some bottles, Throw a ball....the bottles will fall, you'll have the experience, and I only charge $3! Now that's a fun time!

And how about these wonderful thrill rides they ever so lovingly bring to us.... Yeah, let's look at them.... Ok, so it takes tickets to ride. Let's go buy tickets. $20 for 20 tickets! Awesome! That's like at least 10 rides, right? I mean, there's no way they can charge over $2 per ride....right?

Nope. Let's go ride the Spinning Wheel of Doom! Yeah, that sounds fun! Oh, 8 tickets? Well, ok, this ride looks scary AND fun! I'll pay 8 tickets for that! We ride and ride and ride for about 90 seconds at amazing speeds of over 5MPH! YES YES Y-E-S YES!!! That was SOOOooooo worth 8 of my hard earned dollars! I worked an hour at my job to spin in a circle for a minute and a half! Again, come to my house and I'll put you in my BEAUTIFUL white, 98 Ford Mustang and drive you in circles for 5 minutes going at least 30mph and only again charge $3!

Now let's look at the ever so lovely people at the fair... we all know they set up these wonderful places for your blue collar, white, inbred American family. So here we have Joe Mechanic and the Stay at Home wife, Overweight Son 1 and 2, and the "I'm way to cool and Goth to be at the fair" daughter. Now this Joker makes roughly, and this is going out on a limb, $30,000 a year. Here they are for the "Time of their Life"!

They pay $5 a piece to get in the door, $60 in tickets for the kiddos, and at least $50 on food they could have gotten anywhere else for $10. Not to mention the $100 they spent on games. And since the kids are America's finest, they won nothing. Not to mention 2 of the kids were fat, so they couldn't ride any of the rides and the tickets are non refundable....nice. This "average" family easily dropped $250 on dang near NOTHING! Now add this up with all the great American families at the fair. What do you have?? A good ol' fashioned ASS RAPING! The fair is raping you! And you keep wanting to go again and again!

And then what do they do? Come to your town 4 more times that year with a different name... Oh, you went to the fair, you say??? How about the CARNIVAL! No? What about the CIRCUS! Ok, you say the circus is different, they have animals! Yeah, half dead animals that walk in a circle, praying to be put out of their misery. You could have saved the $10 admittance and gone to the zoo on 50 cent Wednesday!

So, there you have it. I hate fairs, carnivals, the circus, and let's go ahead and say petting zoos too, 'cause we ALL know that's a RIP! I mean, shoot, again, come to my house, give me $3, and feed me food! It's way more entertaining, AND I'll even throw in a bit of conversation!

Whatever....

LATE!
Kelly K

HEY FATTY!!

Ok, Let me you help you out here.....

Avoid social embarrassment by memorizing this handy list of what you can and can't do if you're a fat kid in high school.

Welcome to high school, Chubby! Even though you're fat and undoubtedly have low self esteem and virtually no athletic ability, your numerous stomach rolls shouldn't limit the fun you can have for the next four years. Because I care about you and your social well being, I've assembled a guide of what you can and can't do throughout high school; that way, you won't have to figure them out the hard way.

If you memorize this list and heed my advice, then who knows, you might just get voted Jolliest Fat Kid your senior year. And we all know that everyone loves the jolly fat kid!!!

Ok, here we go!!

Can't be: a cheerleader


Can be: a baton twirler


Can't: join the basketball team


Can: squeegee the court


Can't: be in the school play


Can: help build the set


Can't play: the flute


Can play: the tuba


Can't join: the French club


Can join: the German club


Can't do: hurdles


Can do: shotput


Can't: get a date to Homecoming


Can: vote for the Homecoming queen


Can't hang out with: the Abercrombie crowd


Can hang out with: the Hot Topic crowd


Can't get detention for: trying to make out in the hallway


Can get detention for: trying to make off with a double helping of waffles on Breakfast for Lunch Day in the cafeteria


Can't get invited to: a popular kid's kegger when his parents are out of town


Can get invited to: your friend's LAN party when his parents are upstairs



So there ya go guys!! I've just saved your life. Put this list in your locker, keep it close to you, and remember.....even though youre fat, you can have fun!!!

LATE!
Kelly K

Kelly K Day!!!

So, In looking at a calender, Ive noticed that there are many days with peoples name attached to them... Such as Columbus day, Martin Luther King day, St Patrick's Day, and then not to mention Mothers day and Fathers day, Earth day, Presidents day, and then the ever popular, April Fools Day.... Now at looking at all these days i was thinkin, What do you have to do to get a day?? I want a day!!! Yeah, me, Kelly K should have a DAY! But i don't want it to be some overlooked day of minor importance... no sir... So as i dive deeper in thought of what DAY should be mine, I finally settle on Dec. 25th.

Yeah, Dec 25th, Kelly K day!!! We all open presents eat good food, hang out with family and friends!! ahh, what a day to commemorate me!!! Ok ok ok, now I know what you're thinkin and yeah, ok, i guess i am too... Kelly K day being on Dec 25th would be a little sacraligious.... Ok, lets X that out....

Next choice, without stepping on to many toes would Obviously be Oct 31st. Yep, Oct 31st, Kelly K Day!!! Everyone would dress up like me, Hoodie, shorts, and OU hats for all!!! Then we would all go door to door and get candy from our neighbors and say, Kelly K Wants Some candy!!! ah yes, the elderly would chuckle as they poor handfuls of candy into your brown sack with my face on it! (provided for free from your local neighborhood Wal-Mart) What a great day!!!! But wait....Maybe this isn't the best day for me... I wouldn't want all these people to know the power or greatness of being me!!! even if its only for a day!!! yeah, nope, bad plan.....Scratch out Oct. 31st.....

Choice "C"...... How about not just one set day.... yeah, how about the 4th Thursday of every November!!! yeah!! keep people on there toes! Kelly K Day, The 4th Thursday of every November!! People will all get together and cook LARGE meals and sit with each other and Discus how great Ive been in each oh their lives.... then they could all watch football or somthin... Yeah! good day! good plan!!....but thats no good, who wants a Holiday on a Thursday EVERY year....I mean, I want Kelly K Day to fall on Saturday at least ONCE!!! Ok, bad call.....NEXT!

Alright, Ive got it, the perfect day. July 4th!!! Yes sir, Kelly K day will be July 4th!!! See, what Ive done here is taken a Holiday that has lost all meaning to anyone, that involves fire and explosions, and is known for being THE most FUN holiday ever!!! Yep, On July 4th, Kelly K day, we will blow things up and light things on fire, swim at public pools, eat hot dogs, and lay on blankets in parks and watch even more BIGGER Explosions!!! yes yes yes!! Good idea, But i guess I cant take all the credit, I really need to thank this Country that had a day to celebrate how great it was to live here in a free country, then over the years make people so ungrateful because of the freedom they have, that they don't even recognize or care about the true meaning of the day!!! As long as they can eat and blow stuff up, I'm sure they will be happy to celebrate July 4th in my name!!!

So that settles it, July 4th, is now unofficially, OFFICIALLY Kelly K Day!!!! Now go out there and celebrate with pride!!!

LATE
Kelly K <---- (He has his own day!)

Tattoos and Burritos...

So heres the deal.... When someone asks to look at or compliments your tattoos, Its not because they like yours, Its because they want to show you theirs! I guarantee this!! This issue is what leads us into our story....

Mikey and I decide to stop in the ol' Town and Country last night on the way home to get some burritos. (because we all know those are the best burritos on the planet!) Anyway, this is just another "Normal" stop in T&C for us, I juggle some lemons, Mikey puts some bananas on his head....you know, the normal things that you do.... Well, we order our burritos (and a Chimi!) and we go to the register to pay...

Well, the guy ringing us up gives us the total and I start to pay him and he says, Hey man, Nice work on your arm there......Now, I already know where he's going with this. So I say thanks and just stare at him without saying another word. Sure enough he says......Yeah....Mine aren't that nice... Now, since I already know the routine and Im kinda annoyed about it.. I say, oh, do you have some prison ink?? Well, he lifts up his sleeve and I see THE WORST tattoo ever!!! Hes got like an oddly shaped Dice (or die I guess it would be..) with FTW under or behind it.... I don't know, I couldn't tell.Oh, but it doesn't stop there, I say, "Wow, Looks like you tried to get a little cover up there" Cause to ME it looked like he tried to cover the FTW with the die... But Mikey just plainly states, "Looks like a die with FTW in it!" To which the clerk replies, "YEAH! IT IS!" then he proceeds to tell us he got it done in the back of a truck going 90mph by a friend with a guitar string while he was stoned..... So of course I'm HELLA impressed and I wanna be this guys best friend because hes SO COOL!!! no......

So then he decides to show me the rest of his tattoos.... and for the life of me, I cant figure out why every loser stoner with a crappy job who looks 30 years older then they are ALWAYS has a TAZ tattoo.....and low and behold...tattoo number 2......TAZ. I think to myself....Typical. This is his best tattoo by far. Now if i had this thing on my arm, i would have shot the fool that lied about being good at tattoos... But Clerk Boy here seemed to like it. Then he told me this one was done at home by his brother with a guitar sting... Now does this dude REALLY think Im Impressed?? So i say, "dang dude, you need to get some REAL art or somthin!!!" He Just smiles and points to his knuckles (which is already a pretty trashy place to get tattoos, Unless you're Ozzy or play in Rancid) So his Knuckles say something like "LONG" Or whatever. And they look.......rough to say the least. I kinda cringe when i see it. And then he says, "Yeah, this one was done with a hypodermic needle and some ink!" Im Like woah!!! Hey "AIDS" don't touch My burrito!!! Dang!! This fool has gotta be contagious!!! Im gonna say this is the most UNCLEAN dude I have ever met, and he was totally stoked about that!!!! All I know is that HIV boy is NOT allowed to serve me food EVER!!!

So, in conclusion.....don't ask me to see my tattoos unless you really wanna see em......Cause I really dont care about yours!!

LATE
Kelly K

Mic Check???

I'm a fairly competent, semi-professional musician. I've been playing guitar for years, and know what things are supposed to sound like when playing live with a band. My band played some pretty decent shows and we had a decent following...

So..... why do I inevitably get the moron on the mixing board who went to the local audio/visual college who's tonedeaf, squints a lot, and has a soul patch? And from what I can tell, quite a few musicians are having the same troubles.

Admittedly, these people work pretty hard and spend a lot of money to get the "degree" that they have. But I think I know why they are all as useful musically as Helen Keller....... and not like Beethoven.

Number One. Not everyone is competent or has an ear for music. Attending a 14 month college to become a sound technician doesn't mean that you're ready to help produce The Alkaline Trio's new album. Just because you know what button to press and what level things are technically supposed to be at doesn't mean that you know what level my guitar is supposed to be in relation to the rest of the instruments during our third song. I'm supposed to tell you that! You're supposed to listen to me!

Why would you cut the level of my guitar at the chorus? Are you nuts?

Numero Dos. These "colleges" compress a roughly 3 year degree program into about 14 months. They have STRANGE hours for their classes and labs. They basically shove these people against the wall, force feeding crap into their brains so that they literally crap information about the newest Mackie 24 channel mixers out of their mouths! When these people get out, they are excited and come to the gig feeling like they know EXACTLY what they are doing, even though the only live performance they've done is their final at the college. If I hear one more of them talking about how now they want to set up a studio in their apartment, I may have to start carrying a gun to put them out of their misery.......

Number Three. They secretly hate the fact that I'm on stage and they are not. I know, I know.... Your parents bought you a guitar for Christmas five years ago, and you SWORE to yourself that you would get a band together and be the next... I don't know... The Edge from U2. (They're popular again, right, iPod lovers?) It's not your fault that you just don't have the drive or the ability to get people to listen to your latest rendition of "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" from Drowning Pool. But why must you punish me? Why, my little tech, why?

And finally, I realize that there's nothing I can do. These guys come cheap. The bar and club owners want to make money, and they could probably give these people a few beers and a churro and they might even forget they were supposed to get paid for this job. And the owners don't trust the bands to run the sound equipment, so I can't even correct it myself.....sigh.....

Maybe I should write a song about it and play it at our next show... while eating a churro.....

LATE!
Kelly K

Did you know that Douchetones doesn't set off my spell checker?

State Of The Music Industry

Ok....First of all Why is the music business ALA record labels having problems. Most say it is Stealing Downloads which is def. a big part of the equation. If you Steal music you should be shot and hung. Not only is it costing record companies money but it has also cost artist tons of money because record company money flows to artist. No Rec company money, no artist money. ya dig? Not to mention that the Big 12 of Labels has dwindled to the big 3 soon to be big 2. What does that do you ask? That means about 4 people are gonna decide which bands will get signed and promoted which will in turn limit our choices on music and exposure to bands worldwide. But that is just the beginning

The biggest problem with the music (record) industry is the fact that you have these so called A&R guys (that is the people that find talent) that are to busy trying to be cool and signing stupid bands that no one outside of LA or NY or the UK give a rats butt about. We manage Nickelback, maybe not the hippest band on the block but they have sold 20 million records and sell out arena's. Will the Arctic Monkeys do that? Uh don't think so. See these LA and NY guys forget that there are 48 other states in this Good ole US of A that buys music. The industry calls it the Fly over zone. When they find bands that tap into that market then that band usually sells records, lots of them. Maybe one day these people will get that before it is to late.

LATER,

Kelly K

Dear, Car In Front of me...

Go, man. Just go. Forward. Move forward. Don't be scared. You can do it. People do it all the time. There's people doing it all over the city, even now as we sit here. Am I part of some anti-forward protest and I don't know it? Are you sleeping? Are you checking your email? I could have disassembled my car, climbed over yours dragging the parts in my mouth one-by-one, and reassembled it in front of you faster than this. We've been here so long I forgot where I was going. Maybe you are confused about the pedal system on your floorboard. Take a look at this diagram:

Seems like maybe you hate progress. Don't live in the past bro! Take the next step and pull out of this driveway oasis. Don't be afraid of change. If there weren't so many people behind me, I would back out, turn around, and drive the opposite direction around the planet!

Does sitting in a motionless car burn calories? Are you trying to say I'm fat? Are you waiting for everyone to get to their destination and then pull forward? That is incredibly polite, but you are chasing an impossible dream my man!! There will always be cars. You have to select a space in-between them and introduce your giant SUV into the flow of traffic!

Maybe you could hum the theme from Karate Kid for inspiration. Sometimes you have to sweep the leg. Please go. I tried to move your car through telekinesis, but I think I might have popped a blood vessel in my eye. You know, eventually the rubber in your tires will disintegrate. Then where will you be? I know where you'll be..... RIGHT FREAKING HERE!

When the monkeys take over, I hope they kill you first.


LATE
Kelly K

Waste My Day

It seems Ive seen this way before, we act dis contagious. But I'm not running anymore, when life gets outrageous. You bide your time by getting by, falling in weakness. I waste my time to wonder why, cause I cant believe this. At sudden times I've hit the floor, I'm turning the pages. Its not funny anymore, the fits and the rages. I bide my time by getting by, Cause I've done and seen this. I'm wasting time, I wonder why, cause I have believed this. Could you waste my day here anymore? I don't wanna take it. And I'm not at play here anymore. Makes no since to fake it. Thoughts have changed, I've rearranged. Now I have a vision. I fought the thoughts back till I'm sane. Now I'm on a mission. You breathe, you bide, you're slipping by, your image is weakness. You're wasting time here by my side, but now I can see this. Could you waste my day here anymore? I don't wanna take it, I'm not at play here anymore makes no since to fake it. Could you waste my day here anymore? i don't wanna take it. I'm not at play here anymore makes no since to fake it. I've done my time now leave me alone. Committed no crime so I break these chains, I'm free. If passions a crime then throw me a bone. Ive done nothing wrong so please get away, get away, get away, from me. Could you waste my day here anymore? I don't wanna take it. and I'm not at play here anymore, I don't wanna fake it.


Late,
Kelly K